A Snap-Shot – Year In Review

source

source

So, what can I say? I'm different and yet everything is still the same.

I'm busy. I'm studying. I'm dealing with my classes, my assignments, public transport. I meet my friends, grow up once more, have again strange things going on with the opposite sex and still spend much time on tumblr. And I'm pretty confident of my life, it feels great in general and I've never felt more adult. I am a woman. I have class.

I'm open about being a fangirl, a cosplayer, watching too much TV shows and although my mind tells me that I can be glad that I evolved into being that self-confident about it, a part of me simply fears that I intimidate boys by that. I know they're more into the girly type, the princess, the puppy eyes, the damsel in distress, and I'm ready to give it to them (because I noticed it really works) but I fear I'm just too much buddy towards the ones who really interest me. Yes, there are still guys who I seem to impress - who mostly are just the nerd type stepping into the world after high school, falling in love with the first female creature talking and laughing to them, and getting their first broken heart (believe me, that's not fun and I hate that) - but, simply put, not the ones I'm interested in. The ones I'm interested in are either in a relationship or gay.

I turned twenty and I just want to have a romantic relationship. I want kisses, sex, deep long hugs and cheesy couple photos.

Let's see how long it will take me. And I don't even know if it looks promising right now or not.


I'm ready for autumn to come once again. Let's see what things it will bring to me.

And Very Much Can Change In A Minute

source

Last month I wrote that A Year Is Plenty Of Time - but oh, oh, lots of things can change in a small moment, too.

He kissed my best friend, who had thought of him as nothing as just a friend, left her completely confused and mixed up, didn't talk to her after that and let her go on a term abroad without a clarification. Yes, I'm angry at him for how he treated her. And yes, I'm also angry at him (although less primarily) for how he made me think he liked me.

You know, like me-like me He majorly helped me to make a decision, influenced me a lot on that matter. Basically: I sent him a long message, he called, we talked and I followed his advice and decided. Damn, he was so important for me on that matter.

Then, two days later on the evening before my exam, my best friend told me that they had a date and kissed. I'm still so proud of her for telling me that. That made me having even more confidence in her.

Well, I don't have confidence in him anymore, obviously. I was shocked at how he kept us both (mexbest friend) close, that he played around with me, that

I was mad, angry and disappointed. I sent him to hell and didn't want to talk about or speak with him for a long time. I didn't want him to make contact because I hated him, on the other hand I wanted him to make contact because I wanted to tell him how stupid he was. It worked well, I passed my exam and winced whenever his name fell.
(I realised that there was this possibility - that he treats every girl the way he treated me, since I never saw him being alone with a girl or with a few female friends. Only with a larger group of friends on his birthday. I also learned that some guys probably simply don't notice how they act around girls and that the girls could interpret too much and too wrongly. Again, I learned a lot with these guys in the past year. Oh hell, that year was really though.)

And today I met him. By accident. We went shopping in a supermarket where he works -- us being me and two male friends from secondary school -- and I knew our meeting point was close to his supermarket and when one of them wanted to buy a drink I realised that it's the time of the shift he always works at and when we were in the supermarket I looked for him and when I spotted him at the counter, he spotted me too and I had to wave at him to say hello because I'm nice and that's what I do when I meet people. The boys went to an other counter so I followed them and when we waited I tried not to look in his direction and when we left we passed him and the two of us greeted each other and he was like "Next time you come to me!" and I laughed and answered that I didn't see him early enough (WHAT RUBBISH HE SAW ME TOO I COULD HAVE JUST SAID THAT THE BOYS WERE FASTER but I didn't, I think I just didn't want to introduce them to each other at that moment). And then I said good-bye and we left.

As if nothing happened. Only as if I wanted to follow my friends and not to prevent him from his work. 

And he looked so good and so dark ... with that dim light at the counter and these dark hairs and dark shirt and shadows and dark glasses and pale skin oh hell. That short, chubby guy.

I don't know. The boys laughed when we left the market and bantered me about him being my boyfriend and I thought how painfully close they could have been and I'm so done. (lol it would have been funny if i had been able to tell the truth and had been like "yeah, that was my boyfriend, he works here". they would be so flabbergasted.)

Well, let's see if he gets in touch. I have to say that I hate him for acting as if he didn't kiss her and as if everything between us still is the same. Because it isn't. At all.

Completed

x

x

x by Elena Goroshka

It's been a while. And many things happened and changed.

I'm now going to university. I learnt a lot and met new, mainly wonderful people and I found really good friends in whose I trust, who help me and who like me, too.

University is hard, it is, but we go through this together, support us and laugh together. There are many issues/bad things but overall it feels as if it's the place I always wanted to be.

Also, my life seems to be going to be split -- term and non-term. Stressful days, short nights, a lot of talking and work to do versus sleeping in, meeting old friends, reading books, being free. It's interesting and I look forward to the rest of my study.

When I got problems now, I talk to people, rather than writing it down in a anonymous blog. They help me to calm down, give me hints and suggestions. They built me up again. Much better.

There are so many nice persons out there and the world would be depressing and sad without them.

I guess I changed. I'm sure I did. I'm more confident, accepted me as the person I am, embraced me and my flaws. I don't know, maybe it's the thing called growing up.

I see people my age and some of them are really fixed, done in a way, know exactly what they want to do in their future, fight for it and are so confident. And then I see others who seem to get throwing around by life, aren't decided yet, struggle for an aim and everything, who don't know where they want to go and are slightly annoying for being this kind of undone and then I wonder to which of these groups I belong.

I really hope to the done one.

I'm content, now that the stress is over. Life is interestingly good. :)

The Good Feeling

x

x

x

I'm a very happy person at the moment. And I'm even more happier that I can say that.

The birthday party of my best friend was a success. I met new friends. They actually are the friends of her brother but we both get along with them very well. I don't like her brother much but that's okay as long as I don't have to deal too much with him. Two of them I declare as very good friends and one or two as good acquaintances.
It is awesome, I found new friends I totally like, who are similar to me, with whom it's fun to be around, who have matching ideas and who show me new things. I'm freer, I go out more often, I have a better relationship to my best friend.
It is strange how fast I came to trust them, how fast and willingly I let them in my life. I also wonder - I'm fascinated how they let me, us in their lives, without prejudice or caution. I guess it simply is like that when you're really good with someone. It feels as if we've spent our whole lives together and known us for a long time.
Overall, there's also another possibility these two boys like me too much and I'm not sure how I'd feel about that. Clearly not as scared as I used to.

Anyway, it feels so good that I've now got three best friends where my long-time best friend kind of left me before. That this happened seamless like a smooth transition. It's so wonderful to know that there are not only two knights in shining armours ready to help me when I'm down. I'm going to stop talking about that now, otherwise I'll glorify that too much.

x

x

But it's cool how happy I am. I'm going to start studying in three weeks, a subject that I didn't even plan to. But it'll work somehow, my study will be a catastrophe but after that I'll have a good life.

I spend the whole summer very well - traveling and resting. It felt so good to relax after five though years at school. At my grandparents I woke up late, took a short cold shower (! - never did that before, simply to please my grandma), read, went swimming, ate, read again, watched TV and slept. One day I even went to the lake in my nightgrowns. And barefoot. That was one of my best mornings.

I now know that I'm not totally wasted. That two months can help me to be okay again, maybe even just one. I now know that I'm still okay, after all the damage school and love did to me. I now know that I still can be happy at some time after all.

A Letter To A Friend

x

 Yo man, you're strange. You started talking to me. You invited me for your birthday party.

I wanted to return the favour by inviting you to a Abi party from my school. Well, okay, I got ill and you didn't attend although our common friend attended.

I didn't worry, I still was amazed by the fact that we two are friends again, that it's easy to talk, yes, I loved the fact of having a friend who didn't go to my school. I felt more normal.

Then, you wanted me to date your best friend I met on your birthday and I was interested in. Yes, I was, and I told you that I was but nothing more, I told you that the last spark hasn't flew. And after that we didn't talk again.

Prom came and I invited you and your girlfriend to the after-party. I wanted you to come, to see you again after four months, I wanted to give my mum and grandma the chance to talk to you after more than two years. I still wanted to return the favour.

Well, you didn't come. You didn't talked to me about that again, you didn't talk to me about anything. I told you that I'd be at your school helping my sister with her project and you didn't ask. You didn't even ask me about my grades where I thought that nothing would interest you like that!

I don't get it. And after writing all this done, I really became annoyed. At first I was calm but now I really feel hard done-by. That's not okay, mate.

Overall, I hope you'll have a good summer and go fuck yourself.

Me

You Talk A Good Game

x

It's so cool having the ability to talk with someone about serious life things and having fun. I really appreciate that I can discuss politics, the way of rising children, gentrification and at the same time the ridiculous high of hills in my hometown, teachers and Hipsters. I love to see that he has the same opinion about things (okay, nearly the same). I love to laugh about his jokes.

It's such a great thing to be able to somehow express oneself in that way. I can feel what it's like to be me and what I think and what I want and what I don't want. I can see how I settle.

So, thank you very much.


(Yes, the title is a quote from "You Talk" by Babyshambles. I posted it once.)

Winter Time

x

The past days were wonderful. Or let me put it differently: The weather was wonderful.

There was snow, much snow, on the grass, on the streets, on the cars, on the trees, on the roofs, everywhere. It was cold, nicely cold, very cold.

x

And on Friday, the clouds - which were on the sky for at least three weeks - finally vanished. I woke up and sun rose, the little space of sky where the sun usually rises at this time of the year, right between two large buildings, was burning red. One couldn't see the sun, it was covered by clouds, but the clouds glowed pink.

x

Then, at school, the sky was blue, just a bid dull, but the sun shone and the snow sparkled. It was such a nice day that I didn't want to go home - I just came to school, I don't have many lessons on Friday - so I decided to go with my friend to her pony, something which I wanted to do for a very long time.

x

I finally touched a horse again, its fur, its mane. I groomed again. We went for a walk with two little ponies, also jogged a bid. We walked through wide, wide, wide fields, very gentle hills, here and there a line of trees, the sun burned on our skin, the snow was light and the clouds yellow. As the sun went down, everything turned rose, the trees, the snow and of course the sun itself. It turned into a deep, lurid, golden pink. On the exact opposite side of the sky the moon appeared.

 When I was home, I laid in my bed for a while - well, for ten minutes - in a dark room, seeing the dark blue, clear sky through my window, noticing the moon light on the floor and bedclothes. Then, when my body unfroze, my cheeks began to burn, they really glowed, turned rose, highly supplied with blood, being really hot.

x

I finished the third book of a book series I liked so much as a child that evening. On the morning, on today's morning, I was woke up by the sun. Something which seemed as if it happened half a year ago for the last time. I didn't close my jalousie as I'd usually did, no, I let the sun shine into my room for the first time this year. I think it also was for the first time this winter.

I read the last two books of that series today, they are short books. I sat by the window and felt the weather, even though I was inside.

x

These were some really nice days after the some crazy depressing ones a week ago. I'm looking so much forward to skiing after next week, although I'll now that I'll have to do a lot of work back home again at the rest of the holidays. Oh, but it will be so nice and so wonderful and there will be so much more moments like Friday. Well, maybe not, the temperature is to be above zero.

Oh, I love winter.

x

I also decided that I'd love to live in the country one day. It wouldn't be a problem for me, I guess. I think I'd like it very much to live in the woods, with animals, being able to go outside whenever I want.

I never thought I'd actually think that.

My friend and me said, if we end as spinsters one day, the two of us would buy a farmhouse and keep horses and cats. And a watchdog, for her.

Oh, I love my life right now.

A Story of A Dead Whale

x

x

x

So I've already been on that point some while ago. Now, it's harder, more depressing, way more difficult.

I noticed before that he doesn't want to talk to me, I overrode it, I ignored it. I hope it wouldn't be true, I hoped, hoped, wished for it. But of course, he didn't make any move which could be interpreted as an approach.

And then, on Sunday, I noticed it again, no, I didn't just noticed it, it was much more. It really felt like a breakup. And I guess it is one because I've been so down on that evening, I was so depressed, I understood what it means to be dead inside. It was a leave - of him, of my imaginations, of my hope.

I heart about a Muse concert and I texted him to inform him about it, being nice because I remembered he likes them. It was kind of nothing. I didn't want a long chat (okay, I did, but it would have been so okay if he didn't want to talk). He read the message. He didn't answer.
Then, on Sunday, a week after, I asked him whether he received my message or if Facebook arsed around. He read the message. He didn't answer.

A huge, fat whale died and slowly sank down through the water, and then, after some time which seemed like an eternity during which everything froze, it dropped on the sea ground, at first the bigger part in the front and then, heavily, the tail.

Since then I didn't contact him again. The rest of Sunday was a mess, Monday, too. I kept reblogging The Lizzie Bennet Diaries things without being able to stop, I read two love stories which take place in Paris and Catching Fire until my eyes fell down and I couldn't do anything anymore but sleeping.

It seemed different with him. Since we met two years ago I always felt imagine that there would be a good, long-lasting connection between the two of us but it turned out that he's nothing but a total asshole who doesn't even bother saying me that he doesn't have time or doesn't want to talk to me. Because that would be completely alright, it wouldn't be the best of course, but I'd know what happened and with what I'd have to deal. Now I have to deal with not knowing exactly what I did to him or if I somehow offended him. (I can't tell that I didn't offendend him either (hey, I'm a nice person) because he doesn't say something at all.)

x

Yep, 2013 didn't start very well.
My friend still is in contact to these people I don't like, she started to always check her phone and then suddenly jumping up saying "I have to meet xy" and away she is. I'm pleased that another friend of mine also noticed that and seems to be confused at last.

One the other hand I started to become very, very close to a (male) friend of mine. We always spent time together, during school breaks, while acting. He really became someone I would declare as close friend.
And I'm scared, I'm really scared of loosing him after my school time because that's how I work. I happen to forget about people and I don't want to forget him because I'm close to him and that confuses me so much because I don't know what that means. I long for him - but loving him would sound ridiculous, that hasn't been between the two of us before. We laugh so much during the last time. Sometimes I just want to hug him but on the same time I don't.

x

Fuck this shit.

Worries

x

My best friend acts weird. She spent the holidays meeting with people nearly every day.

Not that I want to forbid that, it's more like the kind of people she mets. Some years ago we laughed about and kind of loathe them (or at least I think it was not only me). I mean, we always had a good example with her sister who daily was around these people; we kind of had the same opinion about a boyfriend/later husband of friend of her sister and later about her sister's boyfriend as well.
And now she meets with exactly these people. Or I think they're like them. I haven't met them yet. The fact is that I'm worried about her.

I'd like to shake her and ask her what she thinks, if she's aware what she does, if she really knows these people, why she's doing this. But it's her life in the end. 
I'd like to tell her that she's intelligent, that she can be successful, that she shouldn't put as many mascara on her eyelashes as she does, she should ask herself how she affect - which is something she actually very worries about but I doubt she knows that she looks like someone she isn't. She should look more reliable, because that's what she is.

I think I should tell her something in that direction, being her best friend and all. I doubt she'll take me seriously. Over all it's all her life and if she chooses to want to be around these guys, she should be. One can't change people.

I also guess that that's a normal thing of having friends, seeing their flaws and wanting to protect them. I mean, I care about her. I don't want her to look dumb.

Maybe there will be the right time. But now I have to take care of myself because the next three months will be a tough time full of school and after that I'll have my final exams. Afte the middle of May I'm free. I won't ever go to school as a student then.

That sounds good.

Florence, Paintings and Snow

This weekend was a very tough one -- but a nicely tough one.

x

x

It started with Florence + The Machine on Saturday -- yes, I got tickets (since May or so, to be honest) and I went with my one best friend. And it was such a great experience.

We stood before the mixer, nearly in the middle and around us strangely few people were. Additionally we moved a lot during the really fantastic supporting act and both lead to enough space for us. Which we completly used.

During Florence's performance we jumped up and down, danced, sang (badly of course), cheered and had fun. The people around us where kind of squares and barely moved at all but that was okay, we had fun though. And my friend was cool, she really was casual and danced and so (which I hadn't seen before ^^).

We also clapped a lot (especially during The Dog Days Are Over) and due a ring on my one hand, my other hand hurt Sunday. In the evening my neck sucked. ;)

But overall I had a very great night, full of awesome songs and endorphins.

(See some awesome pictures here - not mine! ;) ) 

x

x

I really wanted to sleep for like the whole Sunday -- but I needed to get my painting finished. 

For my Arts course I needed to paint a big picture and the fact that I'm very bad at drawing and painting didn't help me at all. The good thing was that there wasn't water at my school (I guess because of construction works) and we had no school, consequentially I worked the whole Monday on that damn thing. And I actually finished it! 

I'm relieved it's over but I need to present a real analysis of it and I really don't like that. I don't want to deal to much with it anymore.

And the most awesome thing (next to Florence) also started on Saturday.

x

SNOW!

The first few flakes fell on Saturday morning and were away around midday. On Sunday afternoon it finally really snowed (with white cars, trees, roofs and so) and it still is there! Of course it's not much, but nevertheless, snow! 

This night I woke up and the clouds were weird orange coloured, I dragged me up and looked out of the window -- aaaaah, it snowed again! I just love the weather right now. (And the fact that the train has troubles again is actually kind of fun.)

Due the construction works -- or maybe by mistake -- there's only water in the school's basement but plentiful! So, I again have a school-free day. Which isn't bad of course, I can write a post again and I will start with my Christmas presents. Oh, how good I actually feel!

x

x

Pic spam! :D

Paris, Paris, Paradise | Paris.2012 Soundtrack

(I didn't check that post on any mistakes so yeah ... if you find some: comment! ^^)

My time in Paris was very exhausting - we walked a lot. Our days were spent with walking, eating and sleeping. We always walked to a place (to see something, buy something or to eat something) and when we were back in our hotel we were so done that we often just fell into our beds. Additionally the weather wasn't really good, the sky was always cloudy and it rained a few times.
And Paris itself isn't so romantic and calm as you might think. The traffic is load, the Parisian know what's a horn. The drivers are all doing their own things and as pedestrian you just have to start to walk as well. Most of the houses also have a strange colour of yellow and beige so it seemed as if they were dirty.

The very good thing though was that we have seen a lot of things and been to a lot of places. Some people of my Arts class became my friends and other ones - with who I didn't really talk much before - became friends, too. The way it always happens on class trips.

I like to remember being at Seine, seeing the sparkling Eiffel Tower and seeing art, streets, corners and doors. I think I wouldn't lie if I'd say that I loved my trip to Paris.

On Tuesday I'll get my credentials and I'm not really able to say what will happen in my summer holiday. Well, of course we'll be in the Alps again and I'll be internetless at my grandparents - but still. I don't really have plans and I'd also like to spend my time until Friday with my friends. But on the other hand I'm very tired and lazy. We'll see.

Paris.2012

In Paris we often listened to music because my friend brought a loud-speaker thingy with her. An other friend of mine had the German Top 100 Single Charts 2012 and we listen to like 15 songs a lot (we also sang them and especially I danced to them, but well, both wasn't very good). Some of them I really liked and couldn't get out of my head and others are just liked by others and need to be listed here:

Carly Rae Jepsen: Call Me Maybe

video

Due Tumblr I had - of course - heart a lot about that song, especially the parodies (unfortunately I just remembered one). Well, we sang that song a lot and not only the chorus.

hey, I just met you / and this is crazy / but here's my number / so call me, maybe?

Alex Clare: Too Close

This song actually needs a post just for itself. To me, this song is one of the best songs which describe love problems. To me, one is able to feel the whole pain of that story, perfectly made by the whole lyrics and the meldoy and the background music and the video which exactly shows the images in my head -
I can't say how much I'm attracted to that song.

chorus:
and it feels like I am just too close to love you
there's nothing I can really say
I can't lie no more, I can't hide no more
got to be true to myself
and it feels like I am just too close to love you
so I'll be on my way

Flo Rida: Whistle

The funny thing about that song is that my friend pointed out how dirty the lyrics are - so we all started to listen carefully and because we didn't get them at first, we heart the song all over again and again, well, and then there's that whistle - that's how a earworm is born. :)

can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby / let me know / girl I'm gonna show you how to do it / and we start real slow / you just put your lips together / and you come real close / can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby / here we go

Of Monsters And Men: Little Talks

video

cause though the truth may vary, / this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore
Hey! / don't listen to a word I say / Hey! / the screams all sound the same / Hey! / though the truth may vary, / this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

Fun: We Are Young

video

give me a second, I /  I need to get my story straight / my friends are in the bathroom / getting higher than the Empire State

tonight / we are young / so let's set the world on fire / we can burn brighter / than the sun

so if by the time the bar closes / and you feel like falling down / I'll carry you home tonight

Lykke Li: I Follow Rivers (Magician Remix)

 video

Simple Plan: Summer Paradise ft. Sean Paul

till we had to get back to / back to summer paradise with you / and I'll be there in a heartbeat / oh-oh / I'll be there in a heartbeat / oh-oh

Pitbull: Back In Time (Men In Black 3 Theme)

Whatever happens, I'll Be Calm | Triggerfinger

So, on Saturday I'm going to fly to Paris.
And I just don't feel like it.

Really, it came just too fast. I already made a list of things I need, I bought some cosmetics and the guide tour we have to do is done. But ... I've just been full of stress, I rushed from one day to another, and now - now there's holiday soon. I'm satisfied with my grades, I am, I'm just not satisfied with the time I lost.

Paris will be strange. I'll be a mix of school trip and flat sharing. It's going to be chaotic and unorganised. And I'll stay calm.

My friend is sure that there will be love troubles and I just responed "Oh, honestly, there's already something in the air!" and by that I meant that I won't be concerned with them - well, I'm part of them but I really just don't care what he feels. I'm sick of always coming to that topic when I make a post. I've made my decision and it's over. And I'll stay calm.

I will draw a lot. I think I've never drew so much during four days before. And I'll stay calm.

I discovered a wonderful cover song this week. Normally I'm not into cover songs - they're kind of problematic for me: Either they are not as good as the original one I heart before and like very much, or i've heart the cover song before and am very annoyed by the original song.

You know that I love Lykke Li's I Follow Rivers. And now I've heart that wonderful cover song by Triggerfinger on the radio. Yes, I like it. No, I love it!
The woman on the radio said that the performace wasn't planned and improvised. They used glasses and knifes on an empty dustbin which I really love. I also like the whistling at the beginning. It gives the song something cheerful which the lyrics don't have.

The End Is Near

Oh yes.
I've made it. Finally.

Really, this school year is as good as over. At the beginning of that term I've made a big calendar to organise the things. I crossed every day which was over out and this is what it looks like now:

I've reached the end of the three papers.


Tomorrow is the day where the teachers have to grade us (which means that I won't have to write any exams any more or prepare presentations the best way I can) - and then, they're just two weeks and we'll be in Paris. And we'll get our credentials and summer will be there.

It came very soon. I didn't expect it to arrive that soon. Didn't I just fight with my exams, didn't we just celebrated Easter - haven't I just seen The Hunger Games, haven't I just been in England? Wasn't it just January, haven't I just longed that it'll be March?
And now, there's summer. There really is. It's warm, the sun shines, we swim. I want to read, mostly I'd like to write. Which I will, I'm sure.

So, the next weekend I'll somehow meet my German Scarborgh friends. Or maybe already during the week. Then is one very quiet, easy, normal week and then - oh and then! -, on Saturday, I'll set my feet on French ground again!

I realised that I traveled a lot in the past two years: Lyon, Praha, Scarborough and now Paris. That's a lot and it's all due my school. I am very happy that my mum is able to pay for this again.
So I'm going to spend five days in Paris with my two best friends, my Arts course and the two boys with which that (shipping) mess was is. But I think it's going to be fun. I'll stay calm if my best friend thinks that the money should be spend in clothes, not in food (a pizza doesn't last as long as a t-shirt, you know?) and going to be the last one with my other best friend again (small streets, balconies, stairs, etc.).

And perhaps I'll also manage not to be crazy about the shipping things, staying calm about one of the both and that friend/acquaintance. But just perhaps.

I hope that you're feeling good, too.
Much love.

I missed you both.

I'm in the mood for writing. Strange since I haven't felt it for quite a while. And although I've got plenty of things to do it happens that I write short short storys, partly fitting to a story, partly not.

I never really told you something about that student exchange with Lyon last autumn. May be it basically was because I can hardly find good memories. My exchange partner hasn't really been the crème de la crème and it was complicated for me to find someone I could talk to because either I hated them or they hated me.
I never told you that I came up to a boy.

Well, first of all he is a German one and I already met him in my German acting classes. And he ... argh, he has a very big and distinctive chin and jaw and when he smiles this whole, whole, whole face smiles and his body is full of tension. And he has that touch of joy and happiness I search for.
(By the way, he is the one I appoint as #2.)
But at the moment he is in the USA for an exchange year and I found a photo of him smiling widely and I noticed that it isn't over. I wrote something lika a fanfiction about the moment we meet again after the sommer holidays from his point of view -----

I should stop it, just stop it, I clearly have to many boys in my head. I should just stop it.

Scarborough Soundtrack

So, England is over now. 

It has been a great pleasure to see the English towns and landscape - the red clinker houses, the convex parts of houses like the huge windows and verandas, the long chimneys, the old street signs and fences. Suddenly Harry Potter makes sense because it really looks like that in England. 

Me and my friend were always the last ones because we didn't hurry through York, Scarborough and Whitby but took pictures and the time to feel the atmosphere. On Thursday we got lost because the rest of our group and our teachers didn't wait and didn't notice that we weren't there. But after half an hour our telephone calls worked out and we found them again. (And then - after half an hour - a boy who I really don't like came to us. He said that we would be on an ego trip and that it isn't his task to wait for us. He didn't rethink how worried we were. And most of all: We didn't ask him for his opinion.)
My exchange partner also hasn't been the best one; she didn't explain to me what happened, she just were like: "We're leaving - now. Are you coming?". But I'm happy to live in a boarding house for a week, just to know now how it's there and that I don't want to be a boarder.
I loved it to meet the English again although I don't really had as time as in October to speak to them.
I loved that day at the beach, searching stones, feeling the sun and seeing ebb and flow.
The weather was great in general. It just shortly drizzled twice and only one of that time we were outside. On four days the sky was blue and the sun shined. One day there even was no cloud.
Also that night in a tent on a teacher's farm hasn't been as bad as I thought. Of course it wasn't comfortable, it was cold and inconvenient. But I'm still alive.

And of course the time hasn't been without music, mostly produced by my unbelievable huge talent as a singer (I hope you notice the sarcasm). So here are the songs which were in my mind:

Uriah Heep: Lady in Black

A friend of mine teached me the lyrics of the first verse, he has had a huge patience. I - who is known for difficulties to forget lyrics or melodies when they're in my mind once - sang it nearly all the time we walked around and had no conversations.
I remember that in the end of the week it already has been like this:

me: "She came to me one moooooorning -"
someone: "Oh no, stop it!"

me: "She came to me one moooooorning, one -"
the boy with the lyrics: "Honestly, stop it, my ears are bleeding!"

catchy tunes:

she came to me one morning, / one lonely Sunday morning, / her long hair flowing in the mid-winter wind. / I know not how she found me, for in darkness I was walking, / and destruction lay around me from a fight I could not win.
aaaaaaaaa / aaaaaaaaa  

Lykke Li: I Follow Rivers

video

I mostly sang it or had the lyrics in my head when my exchange partner or other persons looked if I'm still there. I calmed they down by saying "I follow you" and of course - of course! - that song came in my mind (I already posted it here, click to see my thoughts about it).



Bon Jovi: Hallelujah

On Tuesday we were in York. As we walked through the town centre across a "shopping square" we heart a four or five men singing Bon Jovi's version of Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen. So this song became - at least for me - the York song, the song which reminds me of walking across of that square with the grey clouds in the sky.

catchy tunes:

it goes like this / the fourth, the fifth / the minor fall, the major lift / the baffled king composing Hallelujah / Hallelujah, Hallelujah / Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I already know that I'll come back. And it sounds more possible than coming back to Lyon which I plan, too, because this time there are persons who will go with me, persons who wait for us and persons with whom spending time is worth it. I'm able to say that I found true friends, not just English ones but also German.

Everyone is strange.

(This post shows how crazy my mind works although nothing is certain. So don't value me by that, please.)

I still have to do a lot of things, but before that I'm going to tell you a story.

Before three or four weeks there has been a point where I decided who I want to love.
I've discovered that I'm able to rule off somebody and that after that I'm able not to think about him every moment or every evening. I knew that I'm able to stop being in love with someone and to start being in love with somebody else.
(I don't know if that sounds logic.)

I needed to decide that because there suddenly has been a boy from my Arts and Maths lessons where I always sit nearly next to him. He is a very fun person, has a funny characteristic laugh and we both have kind of the same humor. Then he hasn't been at school for a week and asked me to give him the things we dealt with which I did. Well, we started to talk more often. He is that kind of person who everytime stands one centimetre next to you. A person without a fear of contact.

It also has been a time where #4 hasn't been very gentle. He didn't talk, didn't answer my questions and escaped after our common lessons. He made me angry with that (which also can be seen in that post) because I had no idea what I've done - and I still don't have. I couldn't imagine being with him any more.

So then I thought: Who? The boy who is fun but of whom I know nothing or the boy where I've been sure that we fit perfectly together if he wouldn't be so ... arrogant and sick at heart sometimes? I let it rest some days.

Then suddenly #4 has been happy again. Don't ask me why, I don't even know for myself. He just overwhelming greeted me one morning as if he knew that our relationship is in danger. And that other boy, well, he still cracked jokes with me but didn't talked to me much. So the decision has been fallen: Business as usual.


And now, after everything is over now, my best friend starts to ship me with that boy from the Arts lessons. Hardcore.
I don't know how she got that idea, she doesn't even really know herself, I think. She thinks we would fit perfectly together. I haven't talked to her over that problem and decision. I didn't make it obviously that he could be a potential boyfriend.
Yesterday we watched Eclipse for her and she started to copy that whole triangle thing between Bella, Edward and Jacob to me, the Arts-lesson-boy and #4. Yes, she really became a hardcore shipper.

I told her about that shipping thing in fandoms and now we even have shipping names. I think I should stop her but she is so excited for our trip to Paris in June where they all will be a part of.

Urgh.

It’s kind of weird.

By best (female) friend is going to the cinema with two boys who used to spend the break at school with us. Normally I would join them but I’m feeling like a pyjama day. I told her that I wouldn’t mind visiting her at home and watching a DVD but she really wanted to go out.

One of the boys (#1) is known to be in love with her. The other one (#2) seems to be too.

It’s the first time that she is doing something with our friends without me (our friends see us as twins which I would deny after overthinking). It’s the first time she is out with boys being the only girl.

I’m waiting to hear how it has been …
Because, you know, if she is just like “yeah, it was fine” I can be sure that it wasn’t just fine, that there happenend something between #2 and her. But if she is angry or tells stories for hours on the phone I know there isn’t much between them. I know that they talked a lot over facebook lately but the two of us don’t speak about our loves (which is btw a reason for me which shows that we’re not like twins).