Getting Summer

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It's been a long time, again. Things are about to ... blend. Days afer days pass and I can't really tell you what I've done. I guess sleeping in. I guess watching TV and being on tumblr. I guess writing news.
But well, for now this time-passing weeks are over, things happen.

It got warm. Hot. Summer's there.

I helped my sister with a documentary on her project week at school, filming it, cutting it, it renders at the moment. Tomorrow it has to be ready because the very annoying teacher likes to put pressure and cause trouble. After that my mum and I are going to buy a photo camera for me as a present for my graduation.

Man, my sister has some great guys in her class. Well, there's a higher-than-average number of boys so there's more likely that they're cool. I mean, some of them aren't only hot but they also are great persons and know stuff and talk and are cool. I wish I'd be there, but yeah, fate wanted it differently.
(Maybe, if I were in her place, I couldn't even concentrate on the lessons because of the boys - but well, that might explains why she isn't that good at school ...)

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On Saturday, in 6 days (checked that due the gadget on my desktop), I will be in Hamburg on a ship to Norway. Ten wonderful cold days lay before me. Still, I look pretty much forward to that, I always wanted to see the North of Europe and it's about to get suspenseful. I will see the sea every day, as well as mountains and I doubt I'll get rid of this.
I will take lots of photos.

Then, my mum and me will stay in Vienna for three days, a city I don't really have any idea about but my mum often was there and asked me a lot if I'd like to go with her once. I always rejected it in the end but some weeks earlier I thought that this would be one of the summers and that I have to use it right, see the world as best as possible. So I agreed. I'll see Vienna.

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After that I'll be with my grandparents for three weeks and then there'll be my 18th birthday I don't want to think about.

Then there's August.

Then there's September.

Then there's October and I'll study and on Thursday this week I'm going to apply for that.

I wanted to do lots of stuff over summer, mostly writing, but now I also have to do things like clearing out my room and tidy the external hard drive. I haven't done any of this yet and I think they still have to wait a long time. But I feel it, I'm about to be in the mood for writing again.

So yes, I don't do much, I don't even have a boy I think about - for four months now, that's a record. And I don't feel bad about that.

At the moment I'm actually kind of open for everything which shall be and happen. I look forward to university, meeting new people, I look forward to that new life period. I'm excited!

And I'm Feeling Good

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It's been a long time. Actually, it's been a month since the last post. I came back, after all that suspense due my Abitur and I looked at my blog and realised how disgusting the design is. It really can't stay as ugly as that.

I had my reexamination on Wednesday, I know that I've got a 1,6 Abi since Thursday. On Friday, I slept very long. And today was the day I waited for so long.

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Rain. It rained cats and dogs. The sky was white, so white, so bright and it illuminated all my bedclothes. I slept until twelve, stayed in bed for the whole day, and read two books. I listened to the noise of the rain. I only dressed for dinner and after that I went back into my bed and read the last 30 pages. It was awesome.

Formerly, when I was fourteen, fiveteen years old, many weekends were spent like that: Sleeping in, eating breakfast in the bed, read until the afternoon. On weekends like that I read Twilight, Isabel Abedi. And other books I don't remember. They all were from the library, I forgot many of them, unfortunately, but they all gave me enormous hours of joy, fun and suspense. It were these hours, where my whole body was warm and I sweated under my bedclothes but my feet (and sometimes my hands, often my shoulders) were stupidly cold.

I think on days like these I am happy. I think, back then I was a really content girl, no matter what happened at school, I even think one can say that I was free. I read books and was free.

Maybe I'm free now again. When I think about it, it all started last weekend where I was at my grandparents and read that book in two days. And then, on Friday, I went into the library again and brought it back and came home with four new books. I think you can imagine how my next days will be. 

It's just perfect. Everything lays behind me, I don't have any more exams to do, I can finally rest, I am free for a bit again, I can read again. I started to think about some writing again.

I feel so good and I can finally understand what Charlie really means with "I feel infinite". Because I do. I feel like everything is possible, I feel very calm, rested, pleased with everything. I'm so happy that I read again, I can't say it any less often. I'm never ever allowed to forget how good a day of reading in my bed makes me feel.

The First Free Spring Since A Long Time

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So ... well yes. I'm nearly finished. One more oral exam to go. And then ... then I'll leave school. Yeah, adulthood ...

No, but really, I look forward to autumn. I look forward to meeting new people, I look forward to learning something different, I look forward to being at university and yes, I look forward to moving out someday. My mum still freezes every moment someone mentions something like this and refuses it very loud at once. I don't know, I want to be free, I want to have friends to come over in the evening and meeting someone when I want. Yes, I think I mainly look forward to being free.

Ha, I never actually thought that it would turn out like that. That I turn to one of these early nidifugous birds. But, to stay realistic: Moving out won't happen very soon. Not only because of my mum, more likely because there is no money for that.

So yeah, autumn. That's the word I use for not saying "going to the uni". I don't say "... when I start study", I say "in autumn". I also made a decision - wow, yes, I know, something I didn't even believe in anymore. I've got my subject, I haven't got an university yet. Two are in the run.

I've got way too much free time. I don't know what to actually do. I bake a cake. I watch TV. I wrote some news. I'm on tumblr. Well, these are just some of the things I wanted to do.

I'm not ready to write yet. I don't glamorise my tumblr as I wanted. Well, we'll see. I still got plenty of time and hopefully I will be ready to write after my exams.

This post is so confusing, I think. I don't even know what I write but it felt like I needed to do an update, at least because of the time. Well, I tried to post some things in the past month but I wasn't able to put it into the right words, or didn't manage to remember it. There are plenty "post corpses" in my drafts (nice weather, outer appearances of boys, things I wanted to write about). And I think they will stay there.

I can't make a clear sentence in my head and my hands type bovine. Maybe that's why I'm not ready to write yet. We'll see.

Oh, I nearly forgot: It's spring! One week ago it was pretty bizarre because the only thing which was green was the grass and looking out of the window was strange seeing the still bald trees. But now, the brushes are green, some bloom, and some trees like beeches already have their first leaves. And it's wonderful because the sun shines and it's warm at the same time. On Sunday it's said to be cold again but I think, we're going to make a barbecue tomorrow.

(The background green is really disgusting. Gonna change that asap.)

Winter Time

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The past days were wonderful. Or let me put it differently: The weather was wonderful.

There was snow, much snow, on the grass, on the streets, on the cars, on the trees, on the roofs, everywhere. It was cold, nicely cold, very cold.

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And on Friday, the clouds - which were on the sky for at least three weeks - finally vanished. I woke up and sun rose, the little space of sky where the sun usually rises at this time of the year, right between two large buildings, was burning red. One couldn't see the sun, it was covered by clouds, but the clouds glowed pink.

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Then, at school, the sky was blue, just a bid dull, but the sun shone and the snow sparkled. It was such a nice day that I didn't want to go home - I just came to school, I don't have many lessons on Friday - so I decided to go with my friend to her pony, something which I wanted to do for a very long time.

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I finally touched a horse again, its fur, its mane. I groomed again. We went for a walk with two little ponies, also jogged a bid. We walked through wide, wide, wide fields, very gentle hills, here and there a line of trees, the sun burned on our skin, the snow was light and the clouds yellow. As the sun went down, everything turned rose, the trees, the snow and of course the sun itself. It turned into a deep, lurid, golden pink. On the exact opposite side of the sky the moon appeared.

 When I was home, I laid in my bed for a while - well, for ten minutes - in a dark room, seeing the dark blue, clear sky through my window, noticing the moon light on the floor and bedclothes. Then, when my body unfroze, my cheeks began to burn, they really glowed, turned rose, highly supplied with blood, being really hot.

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I finished the third book of a book series I liked so much as a child that evening. On the morning, on today's morning, I was woke up by the sun. Something which seemed as if it happened half a year ago for the last time. I didn't close my jalousie as I'd usually did, no, I let the sun shine into my room for the first time this year. I think it also was for the first time this winter.

I read the last two books of that series today, they are short books. I sat by the window and felt the weather, even though I was inside.

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These were some really nice days after the some crazy depressing ones a week ago. I'm looking so much forward to skiing after next week, although I'll now that I'll have to do a lot of work back home again at the rest of the holidays. Oh, but it will be so nice and so wonderful and there will be so much more moments like Friday. Well, maybe not, the temperature is to be above zero.

Oh, I love winter.

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I also decided that I'd love to live in the country one day. It wouldn't be a problem for me, I guess. I think I'd like it very much to live in the woods, with animals, being able to go outside whenever I want.

I never thought I'd actually think that.

My friend and me said, if we end as spinsters one day, the two of us would buy a farmhouse and keep horses and cats. And a watchdog, for her.

Oh, I love my life right now.

It Is Winter Now

Hereby I decide that it's winter, that it's christmas, that the nicest part of the year starts. And what does that mean? Yes, right, a design change.
This time I've done something ... different, I mean, it's just my third winter here but by different I also mean something different than for all the seasons which were featured on Monday Roses.
I used the snow picture as background, header and footer and the effect is quite interesting I think.

So now I start doing what I also do in the mid of November. I wait for snow. Actually, it already is very cold and there already is ice on the car's windows in the morning - but still, snow misses.

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Snow, you're welcome here.

Longing for Autumn

I don't know if I do anything wrong but again I have so much bad things in my life (school, love, illnesses). But I won't break down, not yet; just two more weeks and I'll have holidays again. Wait, well, in these two weeks I have three exams and one test. But anyway, I hope that when I stay with my grandparents it will be autumn.

Oh, autumn ...

... brown leaves ...

... long nights ...

 
... clear air ...

 
... days in bed ...

... scarfs and gloves ...

... candlelights ...

... days of rain ... 

... reddened skin ...

... forrests ...

... reading, books ...

... tea ...

... colourful ...

And then, some day, there will be snow.

Awakening | Safe & Sound

I want to write.

I want to write again.

I didn't have that feeling for so long. I nearly thought I would never be able to feel that again.

It is kind of spring. It's warm in the sun and cold when she is away. The sky is blue. Everything feels fresh.

I'm maybe going to write the next days. I'm ill and we decided that after two weeks of coughing I should stay at home to rest before Scarborough - where I will be in exactly one week! I can hardly believe that. It really seems like a dream.

But I also have to prepare a 30-minutes presentation about Hundertwasser for my Arts class ... 

And I'm obsessed. Tumblr makes me so. Everywhere there are Hunger Games. I'm sure I annoy everyone outside of tumblr with that. Well, they have to deal with it.

I can't get the lyrics of a song from the soundtrack out of my head. They're from "Safe & Sound" by Taylor Swift feat. Civil Wars. I don't really like Taylor Swift (and I don't really know if I like her know) but the song she created with John Paul White and Joy Williams is just wounderful.  I didn't think I would like it but I do. It's gorgeous and amazing.

And it's full of little hints to the story - and the video! If you read the book and look right, you can see in nearly every sequence a reference to the story. It has such a great concept.

Please listen to and watch it here. Here are the lyrics:

I remember tears streaming down your face / when I said, I’ll never let you go / when all those shadows almost killed your light
I remember you said, Don’t leave me here alone / but all that’s dead and gone and passed tonight

just close your eyes / the sun is going down / you’ll be alright / no one can hurt you now
come morning light / you and I’ll be safe and sound

don’t you dare look out your window / darling, everything’s on fire / the war outside our door keeps raging on
hold onto this lullaby / even when music’s gone / gone

just close your eyes / the sun is going down / you’ll be alright / no one can hurt you now
come morning light / you and I’ll be safe and sound

just close your eyes / the sun is going down / you’ll be alright / no one can hurt you now
come morning light / you and I’ll be safe and sound

I also changed the layout of Monday Roses as you may noticed. It's a kind of a new whole way, inspired by this photo of vagiqua and the current layout of Little White Snow Owl. I hope you like to see it.

Although it sound impossible that I have reasons to - thinking of all the stuff I have to do - but I'm unbelievably happy right now.

Perhaps it's because I read The Hunger Games again.

Feeling the Cold Air on the Cheeks

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Winter. It really has been a winter. Last week it was cold, very cold - -18°C on one day - but the sun shine and you could hardly find a cloud on the sky.
There was snow. Much snow. Plenty of snow. Nearly enough.

I love these holidays, exactly because of that. It gives me a feeling of winter, of this season I love most.
And I almost don't care about the fact that there never will be snow like that in my hometown. Because, if I can look forward for this one week, I am able to ignore the horrible appearance of snow here.

Well, at least there is a bit snow here. Some crumbs on the grass and roofs. Not much, but at least something.
If it's cold enough the next weekend, I will escape for my grandparents to go ice-skating. But I think I have too much homeworks and too much films I want to see.


Being on the internet I talked to my friends and - of course - to him later as well. We talked a bit but after a while he had to leave for dinner and he wrote nice things. (I'm sorry, I need to reflect that whole thing, no one is online to tell ...)

He wrote: "You are my best friend and you know that I always (mostly) lend an ear to you but I need to leave to make dinner." and I responded with "ah, no, that's okay, it was very nice to talk to you :D" and he answered: "the same for me with you".

I dreamt on spending the vocation with him and our best friends.

And everywhere are advertisements for Valentine's Day - I really didn't care about that my whole life - and I hope no one will give me something, especially he. I don't know whether he is that kind of person. I really hope he isn't.

Having A Bit of Winter

Uh. I'm leaving for our ski holidays tomorrow and I have so much stuff to do.
To be honest, I don't have anything packed up yet - tumblr's fault. And now there's a casting show on TV ... the first one I really watched. I don't really like casting shows but I somehow love this.

So, ski holidays. I'm going to escape into snow and winter. Here is nothing like that yet, well, it's at least colder than 0°C.

Have a nice week, the next Sample Posts will follow then. And maybe also winter pictures.

Again A Pyjama Day

It's very stormy and cold outside, the sky is full of grey, rainy clouds.

Oh how much I would like to spend this day in my bed.
Reading or listening to music or being creative after all these weeks
Or simply dreaming about a common future.

And what do i do? Sitting on the desk and analysing the American Declaration of Independence.

Yes, it sucks.

It's a dangerous time in my life.

I always worked hard and was quite successful. I was attentive at school, came home, did homework, ate something and fell asleep to start with everything all over again the next day.

But now - I don't have the feeling to have to do homework although I have plenty of them. I'm tired of everything. At the moment I come at home, fall into my bed to take a nap for two hours and having the power for all these things I have to do. Which I don't want to do.
And a lot of lessons are cancelled because teachers are ill and no other teachers substitute in the upper classes. This week I only have had 18 out of 33 lessons. That's nearly the half.

At this moment, other ones would drop out. Would let it be.

That sounds inviting.

But:

Working for school has always something been like a basic requirement of life for me. It was something that's the way it is. And it still is.

Of course I'll go on. It wouldn't fit to me.
At first I would fail and admitting that would be ... hard. And wrong.
And then: It's only this year and the next one, one and a half year I have to stand. Giving up so close to the end - it would simply be failing. I have enough power to make it through that and after that I take a little break.

Power. Strength. Yes, I'll need a lot of it.
And that's why I'm still going to escape to my grandparents during holidays, gaining distance from this whole school thing, stress, internet. Just me, nature and a lot of things I like.

The week after the next one we are going to go ski. I will see snow, winter, things we don't have here. Here birds start tweeting, a twany owl sings in the morning and flowers prosper. It's hard to believe that there will be a real winter as the last one.

Well, that's my current situation in a nutshell.
Florence + The Machine is on the radio.

He hold my hand -

SNOW

Finally - finally! - there is a sign of snow.
Well, it's a mix of snow and rain. For one minutes there's snow evverywhere and then, some moments later, it rains again. And of course the snow melts but however! Snow!

I want to sit on my bed, watching through the window and seeing all the snow flakes swirls - but I can't because I have to leave for my grandparents. I hope that this weather holds on for a two hours or so - there's nothing better I can imagine than driving car, watching the snow flakes and listening to christmas music. That's what I'm going to do.

Have a nice weekend, too.

this is how i'm going to live (2)

misswallflower:

I would love to get away for a week or two, alone, somewhere secluded, a cabin in the woods.
I would like to sit by a fireplace, drink tea, read, go to sleep when it gets dark and wake up at dawn.

this is how i'm going to live (1)