A Snap-Shot – Year In Review

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So, what can I say? I'm different and yet everything is still the same.

I'm busy. I'm studying. I'm dealing with my classes, my assignments, public transport. I meet my friends, grow up once more, have again strange things going on with the opposite sex and still spend much time on tumblr. And I'm pretty confident of my life, it feels great in general and I've never felt more adult. I am a woman. I have class.

I'm open about being a fangirl, a cosplayer, watching too much TV shows and although my mind tells me that I can be glad that I evolved into being that self-confident about it, a part of me simply fears that I intimidate boys by that. I know they're more into the girly type, the princess, the puppy eyes, the damsel in distress, and I'm ready to give it to them (because I noticed it really works) but I fear I'm just too much buddy towards the ones who really interest me. Yes, there are still guys who I seem to impress - who mostly are just the nerd type stepping into the world after high school, falling in love with the first female creature talking and laughing to them, and getting their first broken heart (believe me, that's not fun and I hate that) - but, simply put, not the ones I'm interested in. The ones I'm interested in are either in a relationship or gay.

I turned twenty and I just want to have a romantic relationship. I want kisses, sex, deep long hugs and cheesy couple photos.

Let's see how long it will take me. And I don't even know if it looks promising right now or not.


I'm ready for autumn to come once again. Let's see what things it will bring to me.

The Girl Problem

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So today in my cultural studies class we talked about gender and my thoughts were traveling along.

And I thought about how I always try to do stuff in a way which doesn’t make me seem girly in order to be taken seriously. I use to check what things I wear, in which ways I do my make-up, how I decorate my stuff, what things I say, the things I like and how I behave, everything - all in order not to be girlish, to seem strong and indepentend.

And then it hit me.

What is wrong with being a girl?
What is wrong about liking girlish stuff? What is wrong about decorating things in a girly way - whether I actually like to have it in a girlish way is a whole different story. But what is false about being girlish?

Nothing.
Nothing, darling, nothing.

And I realised that this whole social issue I constantly am confronted with on tumblr and on the internet is in me too. I often agreed to these remarks and totally want girls to be the way they are and arising strong out of it - but judge them at uni for being girlish. This issue is part of me and that I am a part of it. Tumblr, your lessons finally paid off.

And Very Much Can Change In A Minute

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Last month I wrote that A Year Is Plenty Of Time - but oh, oh, lots of things can change in a small moment, too.

He kissed my best friend, who had thought of him as nothing as just a friend, left her completely confused and mixed up, didn't talk to her after that and let her go on a term abroad without a clarification. Yes, I'm angry at him for how he treated her. And yes, I'm also angry at him (although less primarily) for how he made me think he liked me.

You know, like me-like me He majorly helped me to make a decision, influenced me a lot on that matter. Basically: I sent him a long message, he called, we talked and I followed his advice and decided. Damn, he was so important for me on that matter.

Then, two days later on the evening before my exam, my best friend told me that they had a date and kissed. I'm still so proud of her for telling me that. That made me having even more confidence in her.

Well, I don't have confidence in him anymore, obviously. I was shocked at how he kept us both (mexbest friend) close, that he played around with me, that

I was mad, angry and disappointed. I sent him to hell and didn't want to talk about or speak with him for a long time. I didn't want him to make contact because I hated him, on the other hand I wanted him to make contact because I wanted to tell him how stupid he was. It worked well, I passed my exam and winced whenever his name fell.
(I realised that there was this possibility - that he treats every girl the way he treated me, since I never saw him being alone with a girl or with a few female friends. Only with a larger group of friends on his birthday. I also learned that some guys probably simply don't notice how they act around girls and that the girls could interpret too much and too wrongly. Again, I learned a lot with these guys in the past year. Oh hell, that year was really though.)

And today I met him. By accident. We went shopping in a supermarket where he works -- us being me and two male friends from secondary school -- and I knew our meeting point was close to his supermarket and when one of them wanted to buy a drink I realised that it's the time of the shift he always works at and when we were in the supermarket I looked for him and when I spotted him at the counter, he spotted me too and I had to wave at him to say hello because I'm nice and that's what I do when I meet people. The boys went to an other counter so I followed them and when we waited I tried not to look in his direction and when we left we passed him and the two of us greeted each other and he was like "Next time you come to me!" and I laughed and answered that I didn't see him early enough (WHAT RUBBISH HE SAW ME TOO I COULD HAVE JUST SAID THAT THE BOYS WERE FASTER but I didn't, I think I just didn't want to introduce them to each other at that moment). And then I said good-bye and we left.

As if nothing happened. Only as if I wanted to follow my friends and not to prevent him from his work. 

And he looked so good and so dark ... with that dim light at the counter and these dark hairs and dark shirt and shadows and dark glasses and pale skin oh hell. That short, chubby guy.

I don't know. The boys laughed when we left the market and bantered me about him being my boyfriend and I thought how painfully close they could have been and I'm so done. (lol it would have been funny if i had been able to tell the truth and had been like "yeah, that was my boyfriend, he works here". they would be so flabbergasted.)

Well, let's see if he gets in touch. I have to say that I hate him for acting as if he didn't kiss her and as if everything between us still is the same. Because it isn't. At all.

A Year Is Plenty Of Time

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I love him way to much. I long for him so so much and I can't stand it.

It's been a year. One year ago, so many things were different and so many things were similar. The four of us.

This one ... I somehow fell in love, made mistakes I'll never do again and had to turn him down very clearly. "Am Anfang TOP, am Ende FLOP." I hate that guy.
And then the other one. I like how slowly things between me and him develop, it's been a year and I still like him (that's kind of a record), I actually like him even more than before. I am sure about this now. In this moment. In this moment it's just so beautiful.
(And on the same time I'm afraid I imagine too much again.)

My best friend leaves the country for half a year and I'm curious what is going to happen. How things are going to change, if they are going to change, and which ones. Since last year, many things have changed anyway.

I experienced so much in the past year. Twelve months and I've grown in so many parts. Me as a woman, me as a person who loves, me as a student, me as an adult. Yes. I feel like an adult.

Yes. I like my life. I did things and I like it.

(Silent) Admitting

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I'm so so so sad that it ended like that. Again. I never thought I would feel like that, that I would admit it, but I miss you and our talks, the music, the fact that you were always there and now it's gone, again, and I don't know why this keeps happening but hell, didn't we have good moments too? Hell yeah, we had, and I want that back, I want the friendship back, please be a friend to me again

But I ended it and I can't accept that it's my fault again, that I stopped it, that we don't talk anymore, that we don't greet us and act as if nothing happened between us, never, as if we're strangers, and gosh, it's my fault.

Also the fact that you're more often on Facebook again reminds me how we used to speak a lot. The closeness is gone and I hate to admit that I miss it. That I needed it.

Hell, why do my friendships need to end like that. This is so sad.

Stört mich lieber nicht.

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Ich mache mich gerade frei. Frei von Bändern, Seilen, Stahlstangen, die an mir ziehen und rütteln und mich aus der Bahn werfen.

Frei von Druck, Vorderungen und Terror von gestörten Personen - schnipp -, frei von Chaos in meinem Zimmer - schnipp -, frei von Trauer und Erwartungen bezüglich Beerdigungen - schnipp -,
frei von Ängsten über das Studium (naja, so weit wie's halt geht) - schnipp.

Ich mache Ordnung, ich räume auf, ich schaffe Struktur.

Today I've Played Being An Adult

via Fuck Yeah, Awesome Houses!

Beth Kirby via Beautiful Things

I'm very proud of myself for doing this. It was a very adult thing to do, to say no. It's the first time I've ended something like that, in this way, and whatever he will do, I'm very happy about myself for being rational, honest and open.

(Really, it feels as if we're some kids trying to behave like adults and doing stuff which we think adults do all the time, us being totally influenced by the media. It's actually kinda funny what he makes me to do. Stuff I didn't even intend. But you know, in the end I just learn from it, gain experience, get practice - as poor as it sounds - and god, I've learnt so much from that story. I guess everybody has a thing like this once in their life. And well, to be honest, I'm kind of proud that I had it, that my life "started" and things happened.)

(Everytime I hear that somebody send me a Facebook message I'm afraid it's him.)

Completed

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x by Elena Goroshka

It's been a while. And many things happened and changed.

I'm now going to university. I learnt a lot and met new, mainly wonderful people and I found really good friends in whose I trust, who help me and who like me, too.

University is hard, it is, but we go through this together, support us and laugh together. There are many issues/bad things but overall it feels as if it's the place I always wanted to be.

Also, my life seems to be going to be split -- term and non-term. Stressful days, short nights, a lot of talking and work to do versus sleeping in, meeting old friends, reading books, being free. It's interesting and I look forward to the rest of my study.

When I got problems now, I talk to people, rather than writing it down in a anonymous blog. They help me to calm down, give me hints and suggestions. They built me up again. Much better.

There are so many nice persons out there and the world would be depressing and sad without them.

I guess I changed. I'm sure I did. I'm more confident, accepted me as the person I am, embraced me and my flaws. I don't know, maybe it's the thing called growing up.

I see people my age and some of them are really fixed, done in a way, know exactly what they want to do in their future, fight for it and are so confident. And then I see others who seem to get throwing around by life, aren't decided yet, struggle for an aim and everything, who don't know where they want to go and are slightly annoying for being this kind of undone and then I wonder to which of these groups I belong.

I really hope to the done one.

I'm content, now that the stress is over. Life is interestingly good. :)

The Good Feeling

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I'm a very happy person at the moment. And I'm even more happier that I can say that.

The birthday party of my best friend was a success. I met new friends. They actually are the friends of her brother but we both get along with them very well. I don't like her brother much but that's okay as long as I don't have to deal too much with him. Two of them I declare as very good friends and one or two as good acquaintances.
It is awesome, I found new friends I totally like, who are similar to me, with whom it's fun to be around, who have matching ideas and who show me new things. I'm freer, I go out more often, I have a better relationship to my best friend.
It is strange how fast I came to trust them, how fast and willingly I let them in my life. I also wonder - I'm fascinated how they let me, us in their lives, without prejudice or caution. I guess it simply is like that when you're really good with someone. It feels as if we've spent our whole lives together and known us for a long time.
Overall, there's also another possibility these two boys like me too much and I'm not sure how I'd feel about that. Clearly not as scared as I used to.

Anyway, it feels so good that I've now got three best friends where my long-time best friend kind of left me before. That this happened seamless like a smooth transition. It's so wonderful to know that there are not only two knights in shining armours ready to help me when I'm down. I'm going to stop talking about that now, otherwise I'll glorify that too much.

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But it's cool how happy I am. I'm going to start studying in three weeks, a subject that I didn't even plan to. But it'll work somehow, my study will be a catastrophe but after that I'll have a good life.

I spend the whole summer very well - traveling and resting. It felt so good to relax after five though years at school. At my grandparents I woke up late, took a short cold shower (! - never did that before, simply to please my grandma), read, went swimming, ate, read again, watched TV and slept. One day I even went to the lake in my nightgrowns. And barefoot. That was one of my best mornings.

I now know that I'm not totally wasted. That two months can help me to be okay again, maybe even just one. I now know that I'm still okay, after all the damage school and love did to me. I now know that I still can be happy at some time after all.

Arctic Monkeys - Why'd You Only Call Me When You're High?

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video (song starts at 01:34 and isn't the exact one)

the mirror's image, / it tells me it's home time / but I'm not finished / 'cause you're not by my side
and as I arrived I thought I saw you leaving, / carrying your shoes, / decided that once again I was just dreaming / of bumping into you

now it's three in the morning / and I'm trying to change your mind, / left you multiple missed calls / and to my message you reply / why'd you only call me when you're high? / high / why'd you only call me when you're high?

somewhere darker, / talking the same shite, / I need a partner, / well are you out tonight?

it's harder and harder to get you to listen / more I get through the gears / incapable of making alright decisions / and having bad ideas 

now it's three in the morning / and I'm trying to change your mind, / left you multiple missed calls / and to my message you reply / why'd you only call me when you're high? / (why'd you only call me when you're) high / why'd you only call me when you're high?

and I can't see you here when I'm high / sort of feels like I'm running out of time / I haven't found all I was hoping to find / you said you got to be up in the morning / gonna have an early night / and you starting to bore me, baby, / why'd you only call me when you're high?

why'd you only ever call me when you're high? / why'd you only ever phone me when you're high? / why'd you only ever call me when you're high? / why'd you only ever phone me when you're high? / why'd you only ever call me when you're high? / why'd you only ever phone me when you're high? [x]