A Snap-Shot – Year In Review

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So, what can I say? I'm different and yet everything is still the same.

I'm busy. I'm studying. I'm dealing with my classes, my assignments, public transport. I meet my friends, grow up once more, have again strange things going on with the opposite sex and still spend much time on tumblr. And I'm pretty confident of my life, it feels great in general and I've never felt more adult. I am a woman. I have class.

I'm open about being a fangirl, a cosplayer, watching too much TV shows and although my mind tells me that I can be glad that I evolved into being that self-confident about it, a part of me simply fears that I intimidate boys by that. I know they're more into the girly type, the princess, the puppy eyes, the damsel in distress, and I'm ready to give it to them (because I noticed it really works) but I fear I'm just too much buddy towards the ones who really interest me. Yes, there are still guys who I seem to impress - who mostly are just the nerd type stepping into the world after high school, falling in love with the first female creature talking and laughing to them, and getting their first broken heart (believe me, that's not fun and I hate that) - but, simply put, not the ones I'm interested in. The ones I'm interested in are either in a relationship or gay.

I turned twenty and I just want to have a romantic relationship. I want kisses, sex, deep long hugs and cheesy couple photos.

Let's see how long it will take me. And I don't even know if it looks promising right now or not.


I'm ready for autumn to come once again. Let's see what things it will bring to me.

The Girl Problem

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So today in my cultural studies class we talked about gender and my thoughts were traveling along.

And I thought about how I always try to do stuff in a way which doesn’t make me seem girly in order to be taken seriously. I use to check what things I wear, in which ways I do my make-up, how I decorate my stuff, what things I say, the things I like and how I behave, everything - all in order not to be girlish, to seem strong and indepentend.

And then it hit me.

What is wrong with being a girl?
What is wrong about liking girlish stuff? What is wrong about decorating things in a girly way - whether I actually like to have it in a girlish way is a whole different story. But what is false about being girlish?

Nothing.
Nothing, darling, nothing.

And I realised that this whole social issue I constantly am confronted with on tumblr and on the internet is in me too. I often agreed to these remarks and totally want girls to be the way they are and arising strong out of it - but judge them at uni for being girlish. This issue is part of me and that I am a part of it. Tumblr, your lessons finally paid off.

Completed

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x by Elena Goroshka

It's been a while. And many things happened and changed.

I'm now going to university. I learnt a lot and met new, mainly wonderful people and I found really good friends in whose I trust, who help me and who like me, too.

University is hard, it is, but we go through this together, support us and laugh together. There are many issues/bad things but overall it feels as if it's the place I always wanted to be.

Also, my life seems to be going to be split -- term and non-term. Stressful days, short nights, a lot of talking and work to do versus sleeping in, meeting old friends, reading books, being free. It's interesting and I look forward to the rest of my study.

When I got problems now, I talk to people, rather than writing it down in a anonymous blog. They help me to calm down, give me hints and suggestions. They built me up again. Much better.

There are so many nice persons out there and the world would be depressing and sad without them.

I guess I changed. I'm sure I did. I'm more confident, accepted me as the person I am, embraced me and my flaws. I don't know, maybe it's the thing called growing up.

I see people my age and some of them are really fixed, done in a way, know exactly what they want to do in their future, fight for it and are so confident. And then I see others who seem to get throwing around by life, aren't decided yet, struggle for an aim and everything, who don't know where they want to go and are slightly annoying for being this kind of undone and then I wonder to which of these groups I belong.

I really hope to the done one.

I'm content, now that the stress is over. Life is interestingly good. :)

And I'm Feeling Good

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It's been a long time. Actually, it's been a month since the last post. I came back, after all that suspense due my Abitur and I looked at my blog and realised how disgusting the design is. It really can't stay as ugly as that.

I had my reexamination on Wednesday, I know that I've got a 1,6 Abi since Thursday. On Friday, I slept very long. And today was the day I waited for so long.

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Rain. It rained cats and dogs. The sky was white, so white, so bright and it illuminated all my bedclothes. I slept until twelve, stayed in bed for the whole day, and read two books. I listened to the noise of the rain. I only dressed for dinner and after that I went back into my bed and read the last 30 pages. It was awesome.

Formerly, when I was fourteen, fiveteen years old, many weekends were spent like that: Sleeping in, eating breakfast in the bed, read until the afternoon. On weekends like that I read Twilight, Isabel Abedi. And other books I don't remember. They all were from the library, I forgot many of them, unfortunately, but they all gave me enormous hours of joy, fun and suspense. It were these hours, where my whole body was warm and I sweated under my bedclothes but my feet (and sometimes my hands, often my shoulders) were stupidly cold.

I think on days like these I am happy. I think, back then I was a really content girl, no matter what happened at school, I even think one can say that I was free. I read books and was free.

Maybe I'm free now again. When I think about it, it all started last weekend where I was at my grandparents and read that book in two days. And then, on Friday, I went into the library again and brought it back and came home with four new books. I think you can imagine how my next days will be. 

It's just perfect. Everything lays behind me, I don't have any more exams to do, I can finally rest, I am free for a bit again, I can read again. I started to think about some writing again.

I feel so good and I can finally understand what Charlie really means with "I feel infinite". Because I do. I feel like everything is possible, I feel very calm, rested, pleased with everything. I'm so happy that I read again, I can't say it any less often. I'm never ever allowed to forget how good a day of reading in my bed makes me feel.

Summer Feeling | The Book and Films List

I'm going to school for a week again now. It doesn't feel any different but at the same moment it does.
It's my final year. I belong to the "old ones" at school. I'm going to write my final, big exams in April and May, my last real school day is in March. And then ... well. Around October the first University semester starts.

I hope that this year is going to be a bit different. My two best friends and me decided to meet once a week outside of school to get used to it so it will be easier to meet when school is over. I want to be a bit freer, I don't want to be strapped by school. I know that it will be different in two months anyway but right now I feel good and am in a good mood. I'm very hopeful.

I'm in a mood on which I wait for what will happen to me. I let it come to me. And then I want to deal with it with less emotion. I don't again want to get sick of the things I have to do. I know that it will be over someday, someday near, that there are going to be other stressful times but that I'm also going to have summer again. That there will be sun and light and silence and pleasant talks and writing and feeling good. I know this right now, in this moment, and I really hope that I will still know it in a month. I really do.

I need to have this feeling more often.

I read The Perks of Being a Wallflower and I have to say that I love it. And I've became sad because there isn't the film realise date for Germany on IMDb and I wonder if it's ever going to be published in Germany. I've also seen Snow White and The Huntsman in which Charlize Theron is just gorgeous.

I really enjoyed them. I set them on the list.

And he wrote me and now we're talking again. Although it seemed as if he didn't want to talk to me anymore last weekend. And I've been peeved at him and refused to message him. But now he started our conversation. And I feel good again.

Whatever happens, I'll Be Calm | Triggerfinger

So, on Saturday I'm going to fly to Paris.
And I just don't feel like it.

Really, it came just too fast. I already made a list of things I need, I bought some cosmetics and the guide tour we have to do is done. But ... I've just been full of stress, I rushed from one day to another, and now - now there's holiday soon. I'm satisfied with my grades, I am, I'm just not satisfied with the time I lost.

Paris will be strange. I'll be a mix of school trip and flat sharing. It's going to be chaotic and unorganised. And I'll stay calm.

My friend is sure that there will be love troubles and I just responed "Oh, honestly, there's already something in the air!" and by that I meant that I won't be concerned with them - well, I'm part of them but I really just don't care what he feels. I'm sick of always coming to that topic when I make a post. I've made my decision and it's over. And I'll stay calm.

I will draw a lot. I think I've never drew so much during four days before. And I'll stay calm.

I discovered a wonderful cover song this week. Normally I'm not into cover songs - they're kind of problematic for me: Either they are not as good as the original one I heart before and like very much, or i've heart the cover song before and am very annoyed by the original song.

You know that I love Lykke Li's I Follow Rivers. And now I've heart that wonderful cover song by Triggerfinger on the radio. Yes, I like it. No, I love it!
The woman on the radio said that the performace wasn't planned and improvised. They used glasses and knifes on an empty dustbin which I really love. I also like the whistling at the beginning. It gives the song something cheerful which the lyrics don't have.

The End Is Near

Oh yes.
I've made it. Finally.

Really, this school year is as good as over. At the beginning of that term I've made a big calendar to organise the things. I crossed every day which was over out and this is what it looks like now:

I've reached the end of the three papers.


Tomorrow is the day where the teachers have to grade us (which means that I won't have to write any exams any more or prepare presentations the best way I can) - and then, they're just two weeks and we'll be in Paris. And we'll get our credentials and summer will be there.

It came very soon. I didn't expect it to arrive that soon. Didn't I just fight with my exams, didn't we just celebrated Easter - haven't I just seen The Hunger Games, haven't I just been in England? Wasn't it just January, haven't I just longed that it'll be March?
And now, there's summer. There really is. It's warm, the sun shines, we swim. I want to read, mostly I'd like to write. Which I will, I'm sure.

So, the next weekend I'll somehow meet my German Scarborgh friends. Or maybe already during the week. Then is one very quiet, easy, normal week and then - oh and then! -, on Saturday, I'll set my feet on French ground again!

I realised that I traveled a lot in the past two years: Lyon, Praha, Scarborough and now Paris. That's a lot and it's all due my school. I am very happy that my mum is able to pay for this again.
So I'm going to spend five days in Paris with my two best friends, my Arts course and the two boys with which that (shipping) mess was is. But I think it's going to be fun. I'll stay calm if my best friend thinks that the money should be spend in clothes, not in food (a pizza doesn't last as long as a t-shirt, you know?) and going to be the last one with my other best friend again (small streets, balconies, stairs, etc.).

And perhaps I'll also manage not to be crazy about the shipping things, staying calm about one of the both and that friend/acquaintance. But just perhaps.

I hope that you're feeling good, too.
Much love.

[excuse me]

I feel like I should write something, do another post, writing about this tons I still have to do, how I found an old ... well, acquaintance again, about the songs which stay in my head and become more and more, I want to, I really do -

but I don't have the power for that.

Instead I'm going to go to tumblr for a while again (although I already know that I won't stay the for long because nothing happens), thinking about a post I read on a blog about having no idea what to do after school, the following feeling that life runs against a wall, that feeling of weakness - things I know perfectly myself - and then I'm going to curl up on my bed or the sofa, read a Hunger Games fanfiction and try to stand the pain in my stomach.

Having A Bit of Winter

Uh. I'm leaving for our ski holidays tomorrow and I have so much stuff to do.
To be honest, I don't have anything packed up yet - tumblr's fault. And now there's a casting show on TV ... the first one I really watched. I don't really like casting shows but I somehow love this.

So, ski holidays. I'm going to escape into snow and winter. Here is nothing like that yet, well, it's at least colder than 0°C.

Have a nice week, the next Sample Posts will follow then. And maybe also winter pictures.

Random Unimportant Thought

Well, I used to talk too much about my last love, I think.

I always used "oh - my heart still beats" as label for my love things. But I felt I need to change it because my love is about a new boy now. That's why I'm going to use "#4: you you you - of course just you" from now on. It's starting with "#4" because it's my fourth love.
But so the last love label needs too start with "#3" which is why I changed it in every post.

And so I noticed that I loved the last boy too much than it would have been good for me.

New Things in the New Year

So, here I'm again. I hope you spend your last days well and that the new year started alright.

I read. 

I read the whole days between Christmas and New Year's Eve and the reason is nothing different than: The Hunger Games. 

These three books are quite amazing. Things happen there which are unbelievable but the main character Katniss talks about it with an interesting form of callousness so the whole thing become authentic. And at the end - she is alive, they are no more Hunger Games, she lives together with her love Peeta and has two children - it's still no happy ending. The two can rarely sleep, have nightmares and sometimes can't find hope. It caught me.

And now I wait for March for the first film.

Of course there isn't any snow. It's simply too hot. Everything seems to happen two months later: The pre-summer rain has been in August, in September it was summer-warm and now in December it rained as if it was November. Today there has been a heavy storm and on my way home there was a thunderstorm. In January!

I realised that they are too many songs I want to post but simply don't be able to manage that. I mean, I have school things to do, I have to write news and need to rest. But I still want to remember these songs with catching tunes, melodies and other things I like. They shall not get dusty on my Facebook profile.

So I decided to make Sampler Posts. Perhaps each week, perhaps only twice a month. I will post the videos, lines which stayed in my head, other short things I want to mention. 

(I don't know exactly yet if I still will write more "detailed" post about a song. We'll see, won't we? :D)

I don't know if that would help. But I'll try.

(Btw, I noticed that you can't comment to a post when you're on the Home page. I don't really know the reason because in my opinion I did everything I should do. ;) Please just check the post page, scroll down and there you can comment! :D )

Christmas

As you may already noticed I’m not very active on blogging at the moment. The only reason for this: Christmas Holidays.
They start tomorrow and I’ll stay with my grandparents the whole time, so, you know it already, I won't post something again this year. A

I wish you all wonderful Christmas, a happy and peaceful New Year and that your wishes become true. :D
 
Much, much love!

PS: There's still no real snow.

Crash

So, I'm sitting here, listening to Smokey and remember.

This week there has been a turning point, something like a crash. Yes, it really was a crash.

My school goes crazy. I don't know whether I'm coming or going. I get home, make homework and try to study. I turn the computer on and am lost for the rest of the day.
And all the other things I (still) have to do! Studying, preparing presentations, writing a long essay, studying again and doing the normal homework in between, too. Then I'm tested at a newsposter on a Harry-Potter-fanpage now where I have to write news, too. My mailbox flows over.
And I falled in love. Although it's easier than my last love, it think much about it. It costs so much power.


I was done. I really was on the ground.

And now the highlight: Last Friday I surfed on the internet to watch a video. My laptop got a virus and had to go to the doctor. I couldn't do something for days.

That was the point were I realised that I spend too much time on the computer. That I waste time being on Facebook and Tumblr. That I loose.

It was simply too much.

I made a plan when to do what. When to learn, when to prepare the presentation. And now I have my laptop back and I try to spend less time in front of it. I made to stay away from it for two hours yesterday and today I already made six transparencies and structure for my presentation.

Today is 11/11/11. You know, on 11th November at 11:11 there starts the carnival time in Germany. All carnival clubs in Cologne, Düsseldorf and around start to prepare themselves for the final carnival in February.
Today a boy in my Chemistry lesson set the alarm of his mobile phone and at 11:11 it rang. But it was ridiculous because his ring tone are laughing children and we thought someone was loud in the corridor and didn't get it. But I liked it. I think that's one of the "operations" in lessons I like.

Well, I'm better now.
Much love.

Log-Off

Tonight my exchange partner from Scarborough arrives.
The next week will be full of dates and things to do and places to go.

I'll arrive at home late, I wont sleep much.
I won't be able to spend much time on the internet, basically I won't have time for anything.
On friday there's my first basic course exam, chemistry.

I'll manage that.

That has been post number 111.
Have a nice week.

Autumn

It's autumn.

Yes, it really is autumn.
It's a great weather. The sky is blus, blue, blue, there is no cloud to see and it's cold. Not so cold yet that it's freezing but I've already bought a new cap and and a new pair of gloves. I'm prepearted for winter, it can come.

But now there's is autumn and it seems to me as if it's one of the first autumns I notice since a long time or so. I realised that Halloween comes soon and I persuaded my grandparents to make a pumkin. This is what came out:

Bad picture, I know ...

Seriously, I don't have inspiration for a post here.
I'll wait a little bit.

I'll be still alive. ;)

Start of School

So, tomorrow my next school year will start.
Summer holidays are over - the weather has been very bad.

We have been - as I told you - in the Alps and there has been snow on the points over 1,500 metres. Most of the time it has rain so we cancelled our two-days-tour. I have celebrated my 16th birthday and found three young friends (4-8 years old) who I love so much.

During the two weeks after that I watched Harry Potter 7.2 again and my sister and me watched every evening one Harry Potter film.

At the moment I've cried four times about the end of it: At the end of the film on the opening day, on the evening of the opening day where I cried so much, a few days ago when I've seen a little film about the last day on the set (We always knew we were coming back and this time w knew we weren’t.) and yesterday when I watched the emotional speeches at the premiere in London.

So, tomorrow the school will start again. It will be so different because we're not in classes any more but have courses with different students every time. I don't know if I'll manage it but I'll have to. Of course I will!
Well, strictly speaking, school won't start tomorrow, I'll just stand up at 6.15 a.m. - 6.15! - to go to school and get indoctrinated and pick up my time-table. But the day after tomorrow ...

Wish me luck!

Hello

Isn't it cute?

Well.

Hi.

I'm back again as you may noticed.

I need some inspiration at the moment, so this is just a very, very short post to say hello.

On Monday school starts. Holidays are over. I'm going to visit an English advanced course and I don't know how this happened.

This is post number 97. There will be changes here and for my whole world of blogging. On 08/09/11 there is MR's first birthday.

You're all in my heart.

The Summer | Laws of Gravity

Today we got our credentials, I'm very happy, yes, I am.
Summer holiday start. You knew it already, that means that I will disappear, escape somehow, and that this blog will be paused until I'm back.
Well, I'm a little bit surprised that it's already summer. I mean, it just has been a few days ago where school started. Time goes too fast.

 

The first week I will visited my grandparents but I'll be in Berlin for a day, for a very special day: July 14th, 2011 - the opening night of Harry Potter an the Deathly Hallows. I'm sure I will post something on that day.
It will be strange to go to the cinema to watch a Harry Potter movie the last time. On the one hand, I'm so excited because I want to see it finally. On the other hand, I'm very sad and I think you know why. I mean - the very last time Harry Potter in cinemas!
But, if you didn't noticed that, there starts a new project by J.K.Rowling, Pottermore, and that changes it for better.

After that day in Berlin, we all will travel to the Alps, to the village we always travel to in summer. I love it to be there, to see the mountains, to feel the air. The freedom.
Perhaps we will do a one-day-tour through the mountains and stay the night in a mountain shelter.

After that my sister and me will return to my grandparents and will relax. We will sleep long, go to bed late, we will eat so-called Erdbeermansche (something like a strawbeeries-milk-cornflakes-breat-rusk-muesli which makes full but is not like a stone in your stomach).
I will do nothing.


This is my plan.

And, sorry, I can't control myself: I have to post a feel-good song before I leave!
Well, I think I really can say this: It's my personal summer song this year.
Laws Of Gravity by Rubik (which is - a friend of mine told me so - a Finnish band)!

I hope you will have a great summer.

Weakness

I'm back from Prague and I thought about me today.
I tried to describe me in a few words and I didn't know what I should write.

I just wanted to post which crazy and poor thoughts I had. I really ask myself what has been the matter with me. I don't know. A moment of weakness, I think.

[insert interesting facts about your life, career and writing ambitions]

Interesting facts about my life?

Well, I'll turn 16 this summer. 

The age where all see teen problems - lovesickness, make-up, fashoin, blablabla - and they laugh because we're in their eyes silly, silly, silly. I know, it doesn't belong to here, I myself just think so, too, and I hate the idea that all the world see me as uncontrollable, mutated, as a fury.

So, let me say: I don't care very much about fashion and make-up. But also I'm not this girl who just ignore how their appearance is. 

And yes, I'm in love, who is not? 

I love my live, I love it so much, I care about books, about my blogs, I love stalking news about Harry Potter and I'm so frustrated that I can't find books which are interesting, that I always hang out in front of my laptop and JUST CAN'T OPEN THAT FUCKING DOCUMENT AND TYPEWRITE!!!

I re-read it. It's very true.

Prague, I'm coming! | You Are A Tourist

So, this is a goodbye-post.

I'll leave for Prague tomorrow morning and you can guess that I'm really exciting.

I packed my things the whole day. First, I've made a lot of lists with the things I need. Here you can see my final list:

So, I really hope I've got everything.

And then there has been a problem with my books.
These are the books I would like to take with me:

The stack is 16 cm high which are 6.3 inches.

(If you are interested in - the books in English from top to bottom:
Limit by Frank Schätzing (unfortunately, the English version isn't available yet)
Nothing by Janne Teller
Von Uhrenfischen und einem fliegenden Schrank by Annelie Streit (the book by the womam I spoke here about)
a few Prague guides and maps
Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince by J. K. Rowling)

And these are the books I will acutally take with me:

This stack is only 5 cm/1.97'' high. And you see - apart from the Prague things - it only contains Nothing, a book I reallywant to know how it is. Well, I'll see how good it is.

Most of the todays day I listened to a sond by Death Cab For Cutie. It's called You Are A Tourist. Listen to it and have fun while I'm internetless.

See you!