Differences

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I don't get that addicted to boys like I used to and it's so crazy and I'm kind of worried.

There always were one or two boys I really loved, strongly felt attracted to. Every time we started a conservation, I freaked out and got completely excited and my heart beat fast and there was tense in my body and everything was electric. All was fire.

Now there are two boys I really like - like, not love, I guess. One of them I know since the 7th class, he became a good friend, then a close one, now he's like the best male friend I've got (off internet).

The other one I met on Friday during a birthday party. He's that kind of guy, intelligent, scientific, down-to-earth, doesn't care about drugs and alcohol, very tall, gangly, practical haircut (I really don't know why I always end up with boys like him). But he has a very nice smile and handsome eyes and was very funny and communicative although he didn't even know us and we talked like the whole evening and made fun stuff (like "drawing" and decorating the glasses with cocktail decoration) and yesterday and today as well and I really like him.

But I don't get that excited over a conservation. I still love to talk to him, I don't deny it and I look forward to it. But it's not something I hope for 24/7. I want to meet him again and spend time with him. I want to talk to him, getting to know more things about his life and his siblings who he mentions a lot and I already like.

The thing which worries me it that, although I feel so good about him (and about that classmate as well) and although that would be typical thing about me falling in love, is that there's no fire.

I don't know what serious damage the Dead Whale may has caused. Maybe it's even nothing at all but I know that something about my feelings is different.

A Story of A Dead Whale

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So I've already been on that point some while ago. Now, it's harder, more depressing, way more difficult.

I noticed before that he doesn't want to talk to me, I overrode it, I ignored it. I hope it wouldn't be true, I hoped, hoped, wished for it. But of course, he didn't make any move which could be interpreted as an approach.

And then, on Sunday, I noticed it again, no, I didn't just noticed it, it was much more. It really felt like a breakup. And I guess it is one because I've been so down on that evening, I was so depressed, I understood what it means to be dead inside. It was a leave - of him, of my imaginations, of my hope.

I heart about a Muse concert and I texted him to inform him about it, being nice because I remembered he likes them. It was kind of nothing. I didn't want a long chat (okay, I did, but it would have been so okay if he didn't want to talk). He read the message. He didn't answer.
Then, on Sunday, a week after, I asked him whether he received my message or if Facebook arsed around. He read the message. He didn't answer.

A huge, fat whale died and slowly sank down through the water, and then, after some time which seemed like an eternity during which everything froze, it dropped on the sea ground, at first the bigger part in the front and then, heavily, the tail.

Since then I didn't contact him again. The rest of Sunday was a mess, Monday, too. I kept reblogging The Lizzie Bennet Diaries things without being able to stop, I read two love stories which take place in Paris and Catching Fire until my eyes fell down and I couldn't do anything anymore but sleeping.

It seemed different with him. Since we met two years ago I always felt imagine that there would be a good, long-lasting connection between the two of us but it turned out that he's nothing but a total asshole who doesn't even bother saying me that he doesn't have time or doesn't want to talk to me. Because that would be completely alright, it wouldn't be the best of course, but I'd know what happened and with what I'd have to deal. Now I have to deal with not knowing exactly what I did to him or if I somehow offended him. (I can't tell that I didn't offendend him either (hey, I'm a nice person) because he doesn't say something at all.)

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Yep, 2013 didn't start very well.
My friend still is in contact to these people I don't like, she started to always check her phone and then suddenly jumping up saying "I have to meet xy" and away she is. I'm pleased that another friend of mine also noticed that and seems to be confused at last.

One the other hand I started to become very, very close to a (male) friend of mine. We always spent time together, during school breaks, while acting. He really became someone I would declare as close friend.
And I'm scared, I'm really scared of loosing him after my school time because that's how I work. I happen to forget about people and I don't want to forget him because I'm close to him and that confuses me so much because I don't know what that means. I long for him - but loving him would sound ridiculous, that hasn't been between the two of us before. We laugh so much during the last time. Sometimes I just want to hug him but on the same time I don't.

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Fuck this shit.

Oh Heart

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It's friday night and I see he's on and I want to talk to him so badly, I want to see him so badly but I know he won't appreciate it so I hold myself back.

I miss him so much.

I have memories of great times, great moments although I'm quite sure they are all imaginary. I remember his eyes, his smile, his body, his niceness towards me - now, like two years later, I doubt that he really meant it, he just was kind and polite to me because of his mother, probably, because she somehow managed to find children to play cards with and he didn't want to disappoint her because he's a good son.

God, I'm so devasted. This situation just hurts. It hurts to remember him, it hurts to know that he doesn't really care about me, it hurts to know that all the situations I imagine which could happen between the two of us will most likely never happen. He's so fucking far away, not just by space.

I wonder why I always do that to me. Falling in love with someone and then being able to get destroyed by it.

I wish so much that we'll meet one day again. That I will see him smiling for me again, whimsically, squinting his eyes a bit, his eyes having a sparkle, us looking at each other challenging, grinning, sharing a little secret.

I doubt that that will ever happen.

I have to stop now or I will cry.

Today there was a bit snow, not much, but something.

Florence + The Machine: Hardest of Hearts

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Asaf Avidan: One Day / Reckoning Song (Wankelmut Remix)

(german ones please listen here)

one day baby, we'll be old / oh baby, we'll be old / and think of all the stories that we could have told
one day baby, we'll be old / oh baby, we'll be old / and think of all the stories that we could have told

no more tears, my heart is dry / I don't laugh and I don't cry / I don't think about you all the time / but when I do, I wonder why
no more tears, my heart is dry / I don't laugh and I don't cry / I don't think about you all the time / but when I do, I wonder why
no more tears, my heart is dry / I don't laugh and I don't cry / I don't think about you all the time / but when I do, I wonder why

one day baby, we'll be old / oh baby, we'll be old / and think of all the stories that we could have told
one day baby, we'll be old / oh baby, we'll be old / and think of all the stories that we could have told
one day baby, we'll be old / oh baby, we'll be old / and think of all the stories that we could have told
one day baby, we'll be old / oh baby, we'll be old / and think of all the stories that we could have told ... [x]

Mumford & Sons: I Will Wait

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video

well I came home / like a stone / and I fell heavy into your arms / these days of dust / which we've known / will blow away with this new sun

but I'll kneel down wait for now / and I'll kneel down / know my ground

and I will wait I will wait for you / and I will wait I will wait for you

so break my step / and relent / well you forgave and I won't forget / know what we've seen / and him with less / now in some way shake the excess

'cause I will wait I will wait for you / and I will wait I will wait for you / and I will wait I will wait for you / and I will wait I will wait for you

now I'll be bold / as well as strong / and use my head alongside my heart / so tame my flesh / and fix my eyes / a tethered mind freed from the lies

and I'll kneel down / wait for now / I'll kneel down / know my ground

raise my hands / paint my spirit gold / and bow my head / keep my heart slow 

'cause I will wait I will wait for you / and I will wait I will wait for you / and I will wait I will wait for you / and I will wait I will wait for you

An End Again

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Just a few minutes ago I decided to leave him alone. To let him go so that he doesn't have to deal with me any more.

Strictly speaking that means that I won't talk to him or obtrude myself. Many things I've done so far are just embarrassing and they don't really help me. 

But yes, of course, I still love to check his profile and to see pictures of him. I still would like to talk to him - but this isn't what he wants and therefore it comes to nothing.

I just hurt myself and - I'd be hurt either way, so that's nothing relevant. This whole thing is also not realistic, he lives like 400 km away. But of course, of course, I dream of a common future and of course I think he would be the only one, the true one, there are many points for it but there are even more indications that he's not. He isn't interested in me, somehow not even in any way, my life just starts right now and how should we ever meet again?

So maybe it's a good decision, maybe not. I'll just step a step back and wait. If he wants to talk, he will, and I just have to be strong until then.

(I think I'm not very normal, it seems to me as if I always need a boy I can concentrate on, on whom I can fix all my thoughts. That's crackbrained.)

(This decision somehow frightens me, I don't know why, maybe it's because how I let my mind decide.)

Dreaming and Autumn The Second

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This part sounds very pathetic and dumb and young and not that serious or like I really think I am. 

Tonight I dreamt about him.

We students sat on these round conference tables and had to write a drama exam. I didn't even care about that exam because somehow I didn't visit any of the lessons but still had to write it. Then, he sat in front of me and my friend and me talked to him and I changed my seat twice so that I somehow sat next to him. And I don't know how it happened but he had his arm around me and we were close and no one cared and after that exam we were together.

I was happy and delighted that morning. Of course I know that this didn't happen in reality, but I had some clarity at least in my dream.

And most of all, I saw him speaking again. I mean, I always just read him speaking - our conservations are just in the written way. But my brain saved somewhere a picture of him sitting in front of me, talking, and in the night I saw him again.

Oh god, I'm so fucked up.

This incident has been in my mind for the whole day and I guess I won't get rid of it very soon. The last time I saw him in reality was two years ago.

Damn, this whole thing is insane.

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Tomorrow I will head to my grandparents and spend the next 1,5 week here. There's going to be autumn. And I love it and look extremely forward to it. I will read The Casual Vacancy. Holiday, you know. Finally again.

I want to meet him again.

Summer Feeling | The Book and Films List

I'm going to school for a week again now. It doesn't feel any different but at the same moment it does.
It's my final year. I belong to the "old ones" at school. I'm going to write my final, big exams in April and May, my last real school day is in March. And then ... well. Around October the first University semester starts.

I hope that this year is going to be a bit different. My two best friends and me decided to meet once a week outside of school to get used to it so it will be easier to meet when school is over. I want to be a bit freer, I don't want to be strapped by school. I know that it will be different in two months anyway but right now I feel good and am in a good mood. I'm very hopeful.

I'm in a mood on which I wait for what will happen to me. I let it come to me. And then I want to deal with it with less emotion. I don't again want to get sick of the things I have to do. I know that it will be over someday, someday near, that there are going to be other stressful times but that I'm also going to have summer again. That there will be sun and light and silence and pleasant talks and writing and feeling good. I know this right now, in this moment, and I really hope that I will still know it in a month. I really do.

I need to have this feeling more often.

I read The Perks of Being a Wallflower and I have to say that I love it. And I've became sad because there isn't the film realise date for Germany on IMDb and I wonder if it's ever going to be published in Germany. I've also seen Snow White and The Huntsman in which Charlize Theron is just gorgeous.

I really enjoyed them. I set them on the list.

And he wrote me and now we're talking again. Although it seemed as if he didn't want to talk to me anymore last weekend. And I've been peeved at him and refused to message him. But now he started our conversation. And I feel good again.