Oh Heart

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It's friday night and I see he's on and I want to talk to him so badly, I want to see him so badly but I know he won't appreciate it so I hold myself back.

I miss him so much.

I have memories of great times, great moments although I'm quite sure they are all imaginary. I remember his eyes, his smile, his body, his niceness towards me - now, like two years later, I doubt that he really meant it, he just was kind and polite to me because of his mother, probably, because she somehow managed to find children to play cards with and he didn't want to disappoint her because he's a good son.

God, I'm so devasted. This situation just hurts. It hurts to remember him, it hurts to know that he doesn't really care about me, it hurts to know that all the situations I imagine which could happen between the two of us will most likely never happen. He's so fucking far away, not just by space.

I wonder why I always do that to me. Falling in love with someone and then being able to get destroyed by it.

I wish so much that we'll meet one day again. That I will see him smiling for me again, whimsically, squinting his eyes a bit, his eyes having a sparkle, us looking at each other challenging, grinning, sharing a little secret.

I doubt that that will ever happen.

I have to stop now or I will cry.

Today there was a bit snow, not much, but something.