A Snap-Shot – Year In Review

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So, what can I say? I'm different and yet everything is still the same.

I'm busy. I'm studying. I'm dealing with my classes, my assignments, public transport. I meet my friends, grow up once more, have again strange things going on with the opposite sex and still spend much time on tumblr. And I'm pretty confident of my life, it feels great in general and I've never felt more adult. I am a woman. I have class.

I'm open about being a fangirl, a cosplayer, watching too much TV shows and although my mind tells me that I can be glad that I evolved into being that self-confident about it, a part of me simply fears that I intimidate boys by that. I know they're more into the girly type, the princess, the puppy eyes, the damsel in distress, and I'm ready to give it to them (because I noticed it really works) but I fear I'm just too much buddy towards the ones who really interest me. Yes, there are still guys who I seem to impress - who mostly are just the nerd type stepping into the world after high school, falling in love with the first female creature talking and laughing to them, and getting their first broken heart (believe me, that's not fun and I hate that) - but, simply put, not the ones I'm interested in. The ones I'm interested in are either in a relationship or gay.

I turned twenty and I just want to have a romantic relationship. I want kisses, sex, deep long hugs and cheesy couple photos.

Let's see how long it will take me. And I don't even know if it looks promising right now or not.


I'm ready for autumn to come once again. Let's see what things it will bring to me.

Completed

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x by Elena Goroshka

It's been a while. And many things happened and changed.

I'm now going to university. I learnt a lot and met new, mainly wonderful people and I found really good friends in whose I trust, who help me and who like me, too.

University is hard, it is, but we go through this together, support us and laugh together. There are many issues/bad things but overall it feels as if it's the place I always wanted to be.

Also, my life seems to be going to be split -- term and non-term. Stressful days, short nights, a lot of talking and work to do versus sleeping in, meeting old friends, reading books, being free. It's interesting and I look forward to the rest of my study.

When I got problems now, I talk to people, rather than writing it down in a anonymous blog. They help me to calm down, give me hints and suggestions. They built me up again. Much better.

There are so many nice persons out there and the world would be depressing and sad without them.

I guess I changed. I'm sure I did. I'm more confident, accepted me as the person I am, embraced me and my flaws. I don't know, maybe it's the thing called growing up.

I see people my age and some of them are really fixed, done in a way, know exactly what they want to do in their future, fight for it and are so confident. And then I see others who seem to get throwing around by life, aren't decided yet, struggle for an aim and everything, who don't know where they want to go and are slightly annoying for being this kind of undone and then I wonder to which of these groups I belong.

I really hope to the done one.

I'm content, now that the stress is over. Life is interestingly good. :)

Getting Summer

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It's been a long time, again. Things are about to ... blend. Days afer days pass and I can't really tell you what I've done. I guess sleeping in. I guess watching TV and being on tumblr. I guess writing news.
But well, for now this time-passing weeks are over, things happen.

It got warm. Hot. Summer's there.

I helped my sister with a documentary on her project week at school, filming it, cutting it, it renders at the moment. Tomorrow it has to be ready because the very annoying teacher likes to put pressure and cause trouble. After that my mum and I are going to buy a photo camera for me as a present for my graduation.

Man, my sister has some great guys in her class. Well, there's a higher-than-average number of boys so there's more likely that they're cool. I mean, some of them aren't only hot but they also are great persons and know stuff and talk and are cool. I wish I'd be there, but yeah, fate wanted it differently.
(Maybe, if I were in her place, I couldn't even concentrate on the lessons because of the boys - but well, that might explains why she isn't that good at school ...)

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On Saturday, in 6 days (checked that due the gadget on my desktop), I will be in Hamburg on a ship to Norway. Ten wonderful cold days lay before me. Still, I look pretty much forward to that, I always wanted to see the North of Europe and it's about to get suspenseful. I will see the sea every day, as well as mountains and I doubt I'll get rid of this.
I will take lots of photos.

Then, my mum and me will stay in Vienna for three days, a city I don't really have any idea about but my mum often was there and asked me a lot if I'd like to go with her once. I always rejected it in the end but some weeks earlier I thought that this would be one of the summers and that I have to use it right, see the world as best as possible. So I agreed. I'll see Vienna.

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After that I'll be with my grandparents for three weeks and then there'll be my 18th birthday I don't want to think about.

Then there's August.

Then there's September.

Then there's October and I'll study and on Thursday this week I'm going to apply for that.

I wanted to do lots of stuff over summer, mostly writing, but now I also have to do things like clearing out my room and tidy the external hard drive. I haven't done any of this yet and I think they still have to wait a long time. But I feel it, I'm about to be in the mood for writing again.

So yes, I don't do much, I don't even have a boy I think about - for four months now, that's a record. And I don't feel bad about that.

At the moment I'm actually kind of open for everything which shall be and happen. I look forward to university, meeting new people, I look forward to that new life period. I'm excited!

Winter Time

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The past days were wonderful. Or let me put it differently: The weather was wonderful.

There was snow, much snow, on the grass, on the streets, on the cars, on the trees, on the roofs, everywhere. It was cold, nicely cold, very cold.

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And on Friday, the clouds - which were on the sky for at least three weeks - finally vanished. I woke up and sun rose, the little space of sky where the sun usually rises at this time of the year, right between two large buildings, was burning red. One couldn't see the sun, it was covered by clouds, but the clouds glowed pink.

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Then, at school, the sky was blue, just a bid dull, but the sun shone and the snow sparkled. It was such a nice day that I didn't want to go home - I just came to school, I don't have many lessons on Friday - so I decided to go with my friend to her pony, something which I wanted to do for a very long time.

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I finally touched a horse again, its fur, its mane. I groomed again. We went for a walk with two little ponies, also jogged a bid. We walked through wide, wide, wide fields, very gentle hills, here and there a line of trees, the sun burned on our skin, the snow was light and the clouds yellow. As the sun went down, everything turned rose, the trees, the snow and of course the sun itself. It turned into a deep, lurid, golden pink. On the exact opposite side of the sky the moon appeared.

 When I was home, I laid in my bed for a while - well, for ten minutes - in a dark room, seeing the dark blue, clear sky through my window, noticing the moon light on the floor and bedclothes. Then, when my body unfroze, my cheeks began to burn, they really glowed, turned rose, highly supplied with blood, being really hot.

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I finished the third book of a book series I liked so much as a child that evening. On the morning, on today's morning, I was woke up by the sun. Something which seemed as if it happened half a year ago for the last time. I didn't close my jalousie as I'd usually did, no, I let the sun shine into my room for the first time this year. I think it also was for the first time this winter.

I read the last two books of that series today, they are short books. I sat by the window and felt the weather, even though I was inside.

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These were some really nice days after the some crazy depressing ones a week ago. I'm looking so much forward to skiing after next week, although I'll now that I'll have to do a lot of work back home again at the rest of the holidays. Oh, but it will be so nice and so wonderful and there will be so much more moments like Friday. Well, maybe not, the temperature is to be above zero.

Oh, I love winter.

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I also decided that I'd love to live in the country one day. It wouldn't be a problem for me, I guess. I think I'd like it very much to live in the woods, with animals, being able to go outside whenever I want.

I never thought I'd actually think that.

My friend and me said, if we end as spinsters one day, the two of us would buy a farmhouse and keep horses and cats. And a watchdog, for her.

Oh, I love my life right now.

Worries

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My best friend acts weird. She spent the holidays meeting with people nearly every day.

Not that I want to forbid that, it's more like the kind of people she mets. Some years ago we laughed about and kind of loathe them (or at least I think it was not only me). I mean, we always had a good example with her sister who daily was around these people; we kind of had the same opinion about a boyfriend/later husband of friend of her sister and later about her sister's boyfriend as well.
And now she meets with exactly these people. Or I think they're like them. I haven't met them yet. The fact is that I'm worried about her.

I'd like to shake her and ask her what she thinks, if she's aware what she does, if she really knows these people, why she's doing this. But it's her life in the end. 
I'd like to tell her that she's intelligent, that she can be successful, that she shouldn't put as many mascara on her eyelashes as she does, she should ask herself how she affect - which is something she actually very worries about but I doubt she knows that she looks like someone she isn't. She should look more reliable, because that's what she is.

I think I should tell her something in that direction, being her best friend and all. I doubt she'll take me seriously. Over all it's all her life and if she chooses to want to be around these guys, she should be. One can't change people.

I also guess that that's a normal thing of having friends, seeing their flaws and wanting to protect them. I mean, I care about her. I don't want her to look dumb.

Maybe there will be the right time. But now I have to take care of myself because the next three months will be a tough time full of school and after that I'll have my final exams. Afte the middle of May I'm free. I won't ever go to school as a student then.

That sounds good.

It's a dangerous time in my life.

I always worked hard and was quite successful. I was attentive at school, came home, did homework, ate something and fell asleep to start with everything all over again the next day.

But now - I don't have the feeling to have to do homework although I have plenty of them. I'm tired of everything. At the moment I come at home, fall into my bed to take a nap for two hours and having the power for all these things I have to do. Which I don't want to do.
And a lot of lessons are cancelled because teachers are ill and no other teachers substitute in the upper classes. This week I only have had 18 out of 33 lessons. That's nearly the half.

At this moment, other ones would drop out. Would let it be.

That sounds inviting.

But:

Working for school has always something been like a basic requirement of life for me. It was something that's the way it is. And it still is.

Of course I'll go on. It wouldn't fit to me.
At first I would fail and admitting that would be ... hard. And wrong.
And then: It's only this year and the next one, one and a half year I have to stand. Giving up so close to the end - it would simply be failing. I have enough power to make it through that and after that I take a little break.

Power. Strength. Yes, I'll need a lot of it.
And that's why I'm still going to escape to my grandparents during holidays, gaining distance from this whole school thing, stress, internet. Just me, nature and a lot of things I like.

The week after the next one we are going to go ski. I will see snow, winter, things we don't have here. Here birds start tweeting, a twany owl sings in the morning and flowers prosper. It's hard to believe that there will be a real winter as the last one.

Well, that's my current situation in a nutshell.
Florence + The Machine is on the radio.

He hold my hand -

Love in its Forms

It's odd.

I feel better when he is next to me. Much better. When he is away and I know that I won't see him this day anymore, I'm a wreck.

So it happened today. 

During my first two lessons I felt tired to death, after meeting, seeing and speaking to him during the break my next two lessons were much more easier.

But my last lesson was a disaster again. We said good-bye to each other because we knew we wouldn't see us today again. After that I've been tired, snuffled, was cold and I'm sure I failed the test we wrote.

It sounds as if I'm reliant on him. But I don't want to be, I don't want to be a Bella and nearly die by trying to remember him.

Up to now I had have four loves, him included. 

It feels different with him. I know that sounds naive or like well-everybody-thinks-the-current-love-is-the-best-one-ever.

But he is the only one with whom a common future seems to be able to become true. We both have common interests, a common way of seeing the world, our lives, reading. We have similar ambitions. We both enjoy spending time together. I never met somebody like him before.

We touch each other. As if by accident, but without shying. Our arms stay where they are.

I don't know what it is. Sometimes I get afraid.

During this week my grandmother staies in Berlin and we were in town with her today. I have the feeling that I'm the only one who cares about her.

Yes, our grandparents aren't fast, and yes, you have to say things several times before they react. Yes, they don't hear everything and yes, it can get on ones nerves. A year ago or so I also felt this way. But then I wondered for a minute what happens when they're dead and the only memories I've got is being bothered by them.

I think that was the moment when I decided to love them like they are and to exercise patience.

I hope my other family members will realize that too and could be happy that our grandparents still don't have big healthy problems.

(Update: With that I don't want to say that they don't care about my grandparents. I know that they're happy to have them and that they love the two. I'm just saying.)

this is how i'm going to live (3)

this is how i'm going to live (2)

misswallflower:

I would love to get away for a week or two, alone, somewhere secluded, a cabin in the woods.
I would like to sit by a fireplace, drink tea, read, go to sleep when it gets dark and wake up at dawn.

this is how i'm going to live (1)

My Future Husband

[Hmmh, after finishing this post I noticed that it could be misleading to read the headline and see C.J. afterwards. I want to point out that I do not want  C.J. to be my future husband. :)]

Today I saw this not really beneficial picture of Christopher Jarecki carrying his baby (which he has with Alicia Silverstone).
I don't know why but i'm simply impressed by this picture.

Not because of Jarecki or the baby or things like that.
No, I'm impressed by the pride he carries his baby.

I want the father of my children (if this situation should ever arrive) to handle it like Jarecki.
I want to see pride in his eyes and in his whole body laguage.
He should care about his children.

I mean, I don't want to end as a housewife who just thinks about her house, household, dinner and raising the children. No. My husband has to care all as well.