Shall I invite you? - Thank you, it'll work, my mum is very positive. - *sigh* You don't understand, but I'm happy for you.
You're wrong.
It's not the case that I don't understand. It's not so that I don't know what you want.
I know exactly what you're asking for, what you mean by that.
And I know what that means and what follows. I'm not dumb.
Have you ever asked yourself that I might don't want?
(This post shows how crazy my mind works although nothing is certain. So don't value me by that, please.)
I still have to do a lot of things, but before that I'm going to tell you a story.
Before three or four weeks there has been a point where I decided who I want to love.
I've discovered that I'm able to rule off somebody and that after that I'm able not to think about him every moment or every evening. I knew that I'm able to stop being in love with someone and to start being in love with somebody else. (I don't know if that sounds logic.)
I needed to decide that because there suddenly has been a boy from my Arts and Maths lessons where I always sit nearly next to him. He is a very fun person, has a funny characteristic laugh and we both have kind of the same humor. Then he hasn't been at school for a week and asked me to give him the things we dealt with which I did. Well, we started to talk more often. He is that kind of person who everytime stands one centimetre next to you. A person without a fear of contact.
It also has been a time where #4 hasn't been very gentle. He didn't talk, didn't answer my questions and escaped after our common lessons. He made me angry with that (which also can be seen in that post) because I had no idea what I've done - and I still don't have. I couldn't imagine being with him any more.
So then I thought: Who? The boy who is fun but of whom I know nothing or the boy where I've been sure that we fit perfectly together if he wouldn't be so ... arrogant and sick at heart sometimes? I let it rest some days.
Then suddenly #4 has been happy again. Don't ask me why, I don't even know for myself. He just overwhelming greeted me one morning as if he knew that our relationship is in danger. And that other boy, well, he still cracked jokes with me but didn't talked to me much. So the decision has been fallen: Business as usual.
And now, after everything is over now, my best friend starts to ship me with that boy from the Arts lessons. Hardcore.
I don't know how she got that idea, she doesn't even really know herself, I think. She thinks we would fit perfectly together. I haven't talked to her over that problem and decision. I didn't make it obviously that he could be a potential boyfriend.
Yesterday we watched Eclipse for her and she started to copy that whole triangle thing between Bella, Edward and Jacob to me, the Arts-lesson-boy and #4. Yes, she really became a hardcore shipper.
I told her about that shipping thing in fandoms and now we even have shipping names. I think I should stop her but she is so excited for our trip to Paris in June where they all will be a part of.
Winter. It really has been a winter. Last week it was cold, very cold - -18°C on one day - but the sun shine and you could hardly find a cloud on the sky.
There was snow. Much snow. Plenty of snow. Nearly enough.
I love these holidays, exactly because of that. It gives me a feeling of winter, of this season I love most.
And I almost don't care about the fact that there never will be snow like that in my hometown. Because, if I can look forward for this one week, I am able to ignore the horrible appearance of snow here.
Well, at least there is a bit snow here. Some crumbs on the grass and roofs. Not much, but at least something.
If it's cold enough the next weekend, I will escape for my grandparents to go ice-skating. But I think I have too much homeworks and too much films I want to see.
Being on the internet I talked to my friends and - of course - to him later as well. We talked a bit but after a while he had to leave for dinner and he wrote nice things. (I'm sorry, I need to reflect that whole thing, no one is online to tell ...)
He wrote: "You are my best friend and you know that I always (mostly) lend an ear to you but I need to leave to make dinner." and I responded with "ah, no, that's okay, it was very nice to talk to you :D" and he answered: "the same for me with you".
I dreamt on spending the vocation with him and our best friends.
And everywhere are advertisements for Valentine's Day - I really didn't care about that my whole life - and I hope no one will give me something, especially he. I don't know whether he is that kind of person. I really hope he isn't.
It's very stormy and cold outside, the sky is full of grey, rainy clouds.
Oh how much I would like to spend this day in my bed.
Reading or listening to music or being creative after all these weeks
Or simply dreaming about a common future.
And what do i do? Sitting on the desk and analysing the American Declaration of Independence.
You weren't fine today.
Oh, I wished I wouldn't have been too shy, too afraid, too disordered to hug you. It would make everything so much better.
I long for a hug of us. I mean, a real one, without school bags, winter jackets and public around.
I long for helping hugs, I long for you, for our mutual support.
I feel better when he is next to me. Much better. When he is away and I know that I won't see him this day anymore, I'm a wreck.
So it happened today.
During my first two lessons I felt tired to death, after meeting, seeing and speaking to him during the break my next two lessons were much more easier.
But my last lesson was a disaster again. We said good-bye to each other because we knew we wouldn't see us today again. After that I've been tired, snuffled, was cold and I'm sure I failed the test we wrote.
It sounds as if I'm reliant on him. But I don't want to be, I don't want to be a Bella and nearly die by trying to remember him.
Up to now I had have four loves, him included.
It feels different with him. I know that sounds naive or like well-everybody-thinks-the-current-love-is-the-best-one-ever.
But he is the only one with whom a common future seems to be able to become true. We both have common interests, a common way of seeing the world, our lives, reading. We have similar ambitions. We both enjoy spending time together. I never met somebody like him before.
We touch each other. As if by accident, but without shying. Our arms stay where they are.
I don't know what it is. Sometimes I get afraid.
During this week my grandmother staies in Berlin and we were in town with her today. I have the feeling that I'm the only one who cares about her.
Yes, our grandparents aren't fast, and yes, you have to say things several times before they react. Yes, they don't hear everything and yes, it can get on ones nerves. A year ago or so I also felt this way. But then I wondered for a minute what happens when they're dead and the only memories I've got is being bothered by them.
I think that was the moment when I decided to love them like they are and to exercise patience.
I hope my other family members will realize that too and could be happy that our grandparents still don't have big healthy problems.
(Update: With that I don't want to say that they don't care about my grandparents. I know that they're happy to have them and that they love the two. I'm just saying.)
It's cold, very cold and the thermometer shows 4 degrees. The sky is grey, couldy, foggy. It's simply a typical November weather. This kind of weather where I start to wait for snow.
But shame on me. I didn't notice that it's my weather-before-snow. The friend with whom I made this maths presentation called my attention to this today after school.
On the one hand I'm really sad and dissappointed about me that I didn't notice it.
But on the other hand I'm euphoric that he likes snow, too, and just loves this cold air.
In 15 minutes a boy I already mentioned comes to me to prepare our presentation for maths.
He is the second boy who visits me, who sees my room - which both just do/did because of school.
The last half an hour I've prepared my room, I tidied up and hid some things he shouldn't see.
I'm nervous. Very nervous.
Because although he is the second boy in my room, he is the first boy who is alone with me in my room.
And he is the first boy in my room who I like from the bottom of my heart.
Today has been the first day where I noticed walking through leaves - through crinkly leaves.
I haven't wrote something for weeks because of two reasons.
The one reason is that our internet didn't work for a few days - sometimes it breaks down and after putting every plug out and in again it works - sometimes.
The other reason is that it's the last week before my autumn holidays. Most teachers want to use this time to correct tests and exams which means studying every possible stuff for us students.
So, what happened the last time?
I "worked" for a new blog project. (More announces will follow.)
I wrote another 135 min exam in my advanced Arts course.
There is a boy with read hair who I like and who seems to be interesting in me, too.
Autumn holidays start next week which I really need. I didn't think I would need them so badly - but the last weeks were very busy, I carried a virus about with me, exams were written.
The first week I'm going to stay with my grandparents (I think you know already the conclusion, don't you? I'll be internetless again.) I will be outside, enjoy the strange weather phenomenons - it's cold in the morning and very warm in the afternoon. This whole thing is very fustrating because I simply don't know what to wear. I don't want to freeze nor to carry a jacket with me the whole afternoon ...
But in the second week I'll be at home. It's the first holidays week I stay in Berlin and I decided to do it mostly because of - school. I will have to give to big presentations after the holidays and all the "normal" 90 min exams in my basic courses will follow. I have to use the internet for these presentations and one of the two is a partner presentation .... so, much to do!
After the holidays another two things will follow: An exchange with a college in Scarborough and a revival of our English Drama Course. I'm very happy about these two things and I look forward to have these experiences.
Honestly, I won't have time to post long posts here but I'll try as soon as I have time to. Check my tumblr if to would like to know wheather I'm still alive. ;)
Ha, but I won't let you go before speaking about another song!
I heart this song today's morning in the radio and all I can say is that it really made my day. It's the song where I have had "the first real contact" with the above-named boy. It's Catherine The Waitress by Teitur. It's my "uhuhuu/uuuhuuuhuuu/uhuhu/uuuuhuuu" - song. It's one of my real favourites.
Hu, the new Blogger design is a little bit unusual. Well, I hope I'll manage that.
A lot of things happend last week.
My sister's guinea pig died because of old-age, there was the 70th birthday of my grandfather at the Baltic Sea, a boy I mentioned here became jealous, my best friend was ill, I was an indvidual.
Step by step.
Albert was doing badly since one year now. Hot days weren't good for him. On Wednesday it were at 30 degrees. I came home and sat in my room and I imagine that I've heart him in the living room. As my mum came home she said that we should close the curtains so that it wouldn't be so hot in the living room. I simply forgot it.
Well - the lay dead in his cage, droopy like a dead bird.
I forgot him.
It helped nothing, on the weekend there have been the celebrations of my grandfather's birthday.
On Friday it was hot again, great weather to spend the time on the beach. Some nice pictures were made.
I can't deceive myself, there is one boy from English Drama who likes me more than a friend - and I don't have any desire to be interested - because, well, to be his friend is enough.
In my English course I'm sitting between him (let it be A) and an other boy from ED (this is B). After one lesson - where they discussed a lot and B and I laughed much- B asked me, why it seems that A hates B. "I mean - is he jealous or so?" I just said "Oh, I dunno, I didn't notice something" and thought a little bit.
Well, I'm not interested and all I know that I like to be B's friend more than A's.
The first time I realized that I'm an individual person.
I used to spend my time during school with by best friend. Now, since this school year, the only lessons we are together are Geography lessons. She has also been ill this week and I've been much on my own. It didn't disturb me, no, I loved it. To meet people without her, to have the chance to be a unknown person, speaking with persons who know so little about you.
I chat with a boy I only see in Maths.
I don't know how this topic got to us; somehow he started to discribes me. Analyses me.
He is the opinion that I'm a well-regulated, placid but also a concerted person. He never saw me stressed or out of it.
He hit home.
A sentence I use very often - may be because I'm an optimist - is "All will work" (or in colloquial German "Wird schon").
I still wonder how he managed to characterize me so right after two weeks with six Maths lessons. This is not normal.
I am for my own and I simply love it.
I startet to see the series Dance Academy which is produced by Austrailia and Germany. It's about teenies who want to be professional dancers and go to the fictional National Academy of Dance in Sydney.
I startet to love to dance again. I want it so badly.
The intro has got the very great song My Choice by White Rhinos which I just love.
Here you can see the first Episode of the first season in English.
PS: Please forgive my whole posting about things that happenend in the week. I have no inspiration to write post like the posts one year ago - I can't notice differences or things I should writedifferent.
By the way, the post "Start of school" has been post number 100. In a few days Monday Roses becomes one year old.
