Analysis of Number 3

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It's so strange that we're suddenly talking. Well, not really talking, more like fooling around a bit, making some jokes. That is something which didn't happen before, we maybe talked a bit but I swear that you didn't think high of me and certainly didn't like me as much as I liked you.

You're like always, you make your special jokes, I answer, you like it, nno more comments. But right now, the whole thing was started by you, you made the first step and I guess that's the thing which irritates me so much. I was posting on fb that there's always wounderful weather when we have to sit at home preparing a finals presentation. Today - where we have to study for our first written final exam - you made a comment on my profile about the again wounderful wether. The first step, kind of. And you got the likes, as always. And I made a comment, as always, and as always I feel small, petite and dumb. You like my comment, as always. No more discussion, as always.

I would't say that the feelings I once had for you just went all like "BOOOOM! HERE WE ARE AGAIN!" as they'd maybe do for an other boy. Just the feeling of inadequateness suddenly was there again.

And the thought that you suddenly communicate with me again - after we've been in the same course for a year and didn't even exchange real looks. Not because we're awkward around each other, more likely because the two of us are different kinds of persons who aren't really connected, who don't need to communicate, who avoid each other by nature.
But on the other hand you are somebody who likes to show his confidence, his self-confidence, his preeminence by making a ham comment, showing that the other one is worse, dumber, stupider than you. You're someone trying to be the badass.

The thing is that you sometimes have more sense of what's okay and what isn't okay than the other ones in our year. You know some principles. That's good. And that, additionally to your way of behaving, makes you to a leader or at least to an authority. You are able to end an discussion by a few, simple words and although you annoy a lot people by that (also me), you know what you can do (I think). I wish you that you don't loose that capability and are going to use this possibility in future the right way.

Although I can also imagine very well that you'll be screwed. And about that I'd laugh full-throated.

Can't Be Real ...

He never called me by my nickname. He always used my full name.
Two times I told him to use my nickname please. A few months ago I gived it up. He wouldn’t change it. He would always use my full name - in his talks, in his mind.
Today he wrote something under my status.
He used my nickname.

(I’m a fool to believe I could be important for him, I know. I’m just dreaming.)

Weakness

I'm back from Prague and I thought about me today.
I tried to describe me in a few words and I didn't know what I should write.

I just wanted to post which crazy and poor thoughts I had. I really ask myself what has been the matter with me. I don't know. A moment of weakness, I think.

[insert interesting facts about your life, career and writing ambitions]

Interesting facts about my life?

Well, I'll turn 16 this summer. 

The age where all see teen problems - lovesickness, make-up, fashoin, blablabla - and they laugh because we're in their eyes silly, silly, silly. I know, it doesn't belong to here, I myself just think so, too, and I hate the idea that all the world see me as uncontrollable, mutated, as a fury.

So, let me say: I don't care very much about fashion and make-up. But also I'm not this girl who just ignore how their appearance is. 

And yes, I'm in love, who is not? 

I love my live, I love it so much, I care about books, about my blogs, I love stalking news about Harry Potter and I'm so frustrated that I can't find books which are interesting, that I always hang out in front of my laptop and JUST CAN'T OPEN THAT FUCKING DOCUMENT AND TYPEWRITE!!!

I re-read it. It's very true.

Grin

Confession

I promised you to post a video wih my Google Doodle creations.
I promised myself to continue my little fanfiction.

I didn't open any video programmes.
I just crossed out half a page and write two new sentences.

Instead of doing the things I resolved to do I just have been outside.

I rode by bike again.
Last time I went by bike has been many months ago, may be even years. And at the weekend I've been using a way I often rode in my childhood. It was strange to ride there again, most things were like then but the branches were much longer and clapped into my face.

I was listening to Meldoy Gardot, who I already mentioned here and there.
I have to say that her album Worrisome Heart is one of the best albums you could listen during thinking of love.

I just thought about nothing.
I just enjoied the free time. The feeling of approching summer holidays.
The feeling of having no homeworks.
Of having nothing really to do.

So, tell me, did I be a fool just because I enjoyed my time?


Next week I will travel to Prague with my class. I'm sure I will post a song or something else before.

Hey There Delilah

I think it's time to post another song: Hey There Delilah by Plain White T's.
Just press "play" while reading.

I don't know why but somehow this song is special. You know, on the one hand, it's just another calm guitar song singing by a calm, deep man voice. One of the songs I love so much.
And it's about love - of course it's about love.
And may be the fact that this song is full of love and dreams is also a reason why I like it.

I mean, is there one girl who doesn't want to hear this?

Hey there Delilah
What's it like in New York City?
I'm a thousand miles away
But girl, tonight you look so pretty
Yes you do
Times Square can't shine as bright as you
I swear it's true

Or this?

Hey there Delilah
Don't you worry about the distance
I'm right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
Close your eyes
Listen to my voice, it's my disguise
I'm by your side

And not from her mother, from a very special boy?

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me

Hey there Delilah
I know times are getting hard
But just believe me, girl
Someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar
We'll have it good
We'll have the life we knew we would
My word is good

A hard promise. But who doesn't dream?

Hey there Delilah
I've got so much left to say
If every simple song I wrote to you
Would take your breath away
I'd write it all
Even more in love with me you'd fall
We'd have it all

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me

A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way

Which possibilies! (I mean it seriously.)

Our friends would all make fun of us
and we'll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way

 Are there words left to say?

Delilah I can promise you
That by the time we get through
The world will never ever be the same
And you're to blame

Hey there Delilah

 And is there one girl who doesn't dream of her name being in a song?

You be good and don't you miss me
Two more years and you'll be done with school
And I'll be making history like I do
You'll know it's all because of you
We can do whatever we want to
Hey there Delilah here's to you
This one's for you

 For you. Is there one girl who doesn't dream?

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me.

Well, I do.

Of course this song is full of dreams and wishes and hopes.
But in my age it's only able to have them, otherwise you couldn't live. I mean, how on earth should you know what you want to do after school if you didn't dream?

And that's why this song is important. For me, and may be for you as well.

I hope you like it. Well ... we'll see.

PS: Welcome, Valerie! You don't know how much I liked to see you here ...

See

found on The Dog Days Are Over

Evening

The sky is blue and there are white, orange and rose frazzled clouds.
Because of the sun huge dark blue rain clouds have got a shiny boarder. It reminds me of the sky of old paintings where religious things are shown.
It's dreamful.

I'm thinking of friendship. All the things happened and will happen to me.
I'm thinking of the weekend. Family.

And, of course, I'm thinking of you, I don't know what's up, wheather it's yes or no.
I'm still impressed that you've told me something which you haven't told many people. Yes, I'm proud. Of you, of me.

I don't want to turn the light on because the mood would go away.
It wouldn't say goodbye.
It would just leave.

As you do sometimes.

Random Note

Looking Back and Forward | Carilfonia Dreamin'

This week has been very busy.
There were two middle graduation exams, German and English. Not so bad, but very exhausting.
And I have to give two presentations next week, and presentations want to be prepared.
And lessons, of course.

But I don't want to moan around.
There also had been very great moments.
I had English Drama again, after a month break again.
I saw all of them again.

And I wrote with him. Nearly two hours.

Next week won't be easier.
Again an exam, maths. These two presentations.
And Friday and Saturday rehearsals because there will be another performance of our theatre play.

But I'll manage that. I won't be ill. I'm strong.

We sang a great song in Music lesson. I love it so much.

And please smile at me.

I Got You Babe

The Fabulous World Of Amélie

I've watched The Fabulous World Of Amélie.
At the end everything in me convulsed and I thought of you.

I thought about us.

I wish we are going to kiss us like Amélie and Nino someday.
Hopefully.

Please.

The New Week

My new week is one of the most important weeks this year.
On Monday, there is our performance with my English Drama group; and on Thursday there is part one of my middle graduation.
I think you know now [it's great, having "know now" back-to-back^^] that my nights aren't peaceful, also because of the clock change - oh my godness, I hope my computer changes the time automatically.

Last Thursday, so four days ago, I doodled again in chemistry, you know, talking about alcohol all the time can get boring.
I wrote sixteen times je suis heureuse. Which is French and means I'm happy.
I don't know why I wrote that and even less whether I was happy.
May be I was ... but why? Because of the prospect of the whole-time reherasal next day? Because of ...?

I don't now.

To have no answers is the most painful thing in live.

pain.

Strawberries

Today I ate the first strawberries of the year.
They were hard, but also fruity.
I loved them. I really loved them.
I don't want to think about CO2 and climate protection now, please be civil.


I felt the warm sun today, I tasted the spring air and I smelt the odour of the berries.

I'm in love and summer comes.

I Have Enough

I'm fed up it. 

That boys talk nice to me. That they are interested in me. That they are on the same wavelength as me. That they compliments me. And all just because they like me too much.

And that the only person who is allowed to do that – who has to do that – does it not. That he isn't interested in me. That he does not understand me. That he comes from a completely different world. That he speaks completely different, that he is completely different. 

That I'm something like an alien to him.

Is it so difficult to speak nice with me, not because you need my presence, but simply without ulterior motives?

Oh My Heart

       YOU

I'm thinking

of you

and of hearts 

hurting hearts

I'm listening
to the song

I'm on the verge
of crying

because of
you

Finding Myself

It's March and spring begins. The sun warms, the sky is light when I wake up - winter is gone.
So, with listing to "Gone" by Melody Gardot I will stop regetting winter.
Maybe.

Something happens. Inside me. Decisions.

made by me

I started thinking of it because of a - yes, in which relationsship are we actually?

Well, he is a class mate. But this whole course is more like a familiy... - I think I could say that he is a friend.

I hope so.

He does his own thing. He does what he likes, realizes his dreams, plans, talents. He is (more or less) open about that. He has his own website, his own Facebook and MySpace website and acceptance.

And I will deal with it like him.
That's a part of my life and you get me just with this. If you don't like it - sorry, your pigeon.

But the problem with the acceptance is: He makes music. And I write.
Making his own music is cooler than writing his own stories for today's society.
(I watched a TV programme where the presenter seached on the streets for things someone can do which other ones can't do. A man said "I write books" and left. Her answer to the camera was: "Well ... a little bit boring ..."
I could kill her. I really could kill her.)

Why do I think about that? If somebody didn't like what I'm doing, he/she/it could leave! I'm rarely egoistic, so now I can be!

I AM WHO I AM!

Please.