A Year Is Plenty Of Time

source

source

I love him way to much. I long for him so so much and I can't stand it.

It's been a year. One year ago, so many things were different and so many things were similar. The four of us.

This one ... I somehow fell in love, made mistakes I'll never do again and had to turn him down very clearly. "Am Anfang TOP, am Ende FLOP." I hate that guy.
And then the other one. I like how slowly things between me and him develop, it's been a year and I still like him (that's kind of a record), I actually like him even more than before. I am sure about this now. In this moment. In this moment it's just so beautiful.
(And on the same time I'm afraid I imagine too much again.)

My best friend leaves the country for half a year and I'm curious what is going to happen. How things are going to change, if they are going to change, and which ones. Since last year, many things have changed anyway.

I experienced so much in the past year. Twelve months and I've grown in so many parts. Me as a woman, me as a person who loves, me as a student, me as an adult. Yes. I feel like an adult.

Yes. I like my life. I did things and I like it.

(Silent) Admitting

x

I'm so so so sad that it ended like that. Again. I never thought I would feel like that, that I would admit it, but I miss you and our talks, the music, the fact that you were always there and now it's gone, again, and I don't know why this keeps happening but hell, didn't we have good moments too? Hell yeah, we had, and I want that back, I want the friendship back, please be a friend to me again

But I ended it and I can't accept that it's my fault again, that I stopped it, that we don't talk anymore, that we don't greet us and act as if nothing happened between us, never, as if we're strangers, and gosh, it's my fault.

Also the fact that you're more often on Facebook again reminds me how we used to speak a lot. The closeness is gone and I hate to admit that I miss it. That I needed it.

Hell, why do my friendships need to end like that. This is so sad.

Stört mich lieber nicht.

x

Ich mache mich gerade frei. Frei von Bändern, Seilen, Stahlstangen, die an mir ziehen und rütteln und mich aus der Bahn werfen.

Frei von Druck, Vorderungen und Terror von gestörten Personen - schnipp -, frei von Chaos in meinem Zimmer - schnipp -, frei von Trauer und Erwartungen bezüglich Beerdigungen - schnipp -,
frei von Ängsten über das Studium (naja, so weit wie's halt geht) - schnipp.

Ich mache Ordnung, ich räume auf, ich schaffe Struktur.

Today I've Played Being An Adult

via Fuck Yeah, Awesome Houses!

Beth Kirby via Beautiful Things

I'm very proud of myself for doing this. It was a very adult thing to do, to say no. It's the first time I've ended something like that, in this way, and whatever he will do, I'm very happy about myself for being rational, honest and open.

(Really, it feels as if we're some kids trying to behave like adults and doing stuff which we think adults do all the time, us being totally influenced by the media. It's actually kinda funny what he makes me to do. Stuff I didn't even intend. But you know, in the end I just learn from it, gain experience, get practice - as poor as it sounds - and god, I've learnt so much from that story. I guess everybody has a thing like this once in their life. And well, to be honest, I'm kind of proud that I had it, that my life "started" and things happened.)

(Everytime I hear that somebody send me a Facebook message I'm afraid it's him.)