A Snap-Shot – Year In Review

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So, what can I say? I'm different and yet everything is still the same.

I'm busy. I'm studying. I'm dealing with my classes, my assignments, public transport. I meet my friends, grow up once more, have again strange things going on with the opposite sex and still spend much time on tumblr. And I'm pretty confident of my life, it feels great in general and I've never felt more adult. I am a woman. I have class.

I'm open about being a fangirl, a cosplayer, watching too much TV shows and although my mind tells me that I can be glad that I evolved into being that self-confident about it, a part of me simply fears that I intimidate boys by that. I know they're more into the girly type, the princess, the puppy eyes, the damsel in distress, and I'm ready to give it to them (because I noticed it really works) but I fear I'm just too much buddy towards the ones who really interest me. Yes, there are still guys who I seem to impress - who mostly are just the nerd type stepping into the world after high school, falling in love with the first female creature talking and laughing to them, and getting their first broken heart (believe me, that's not fun and I hate that) - but, simply put, not the ones I'm interested in. The ones I'm interested in are either in a relationship or gay.

I turned twenty and I just want to have a romantic relationship. I want kisses, sex, deep long hugs and cheesy couple photos.

Let's see how long it will take me. And I don't even know if it looks promising right now or not.


I'm ready for autumn to come once again. Let's see what things it will bring to me.

The Girl Problem

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So today in my cultural studies class we talked about gender and my thoughts were traveling along.

And I thought about how I always try to do stuff in a way which doesn’t make me seem girly in order to be taken seriously. I use to check what things I wear, in which ways I do my make-up, how I decorate my stuff, what things I say, the things I like and how I behave, everything - all in order not to be girlish, to seem strong and indepentend.

And then it hit me.

What is wrong with being a girl?
What is wrong about liking girlish stuff? What is wrong about decorating things in a girly way - whether I actually like to have it in a girlish way is a whole different story. But what is false about being girlish?

Nothing.
Nothing, darling, nothing.

And I realised that this whole social issue I constantly am confronted with on tumblr and on the internet is in me too. I often agreed to these remarks and totally want girls to be the way they are and arising strong out of it - but judge them at uni for being girlish. This issue is part of me and that I am a part of it. Tumblr, your lessons finally paid off.

And Very Much Can Change In A Minute

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Last month I wrote that A Year Is Plenty Of Time - but oh, oh, lots of things can change in a small moment, too.

He kissed my best friend, who had thought of him as nothing as just a friend, left her completely confused and mixed up, didn't talk to her after that and let her go on a term abroad without a clarification. Yes, I'm angry at him for how he treated her. And yes, I'm also angry at him (although less primarily) for how he made me think he liked me.

You know, like me-like me He majorly helped me to make a decision, influenced me a lot on that matter. Basically: I sent him a long message, he called, we talked and I followed his advice and decided. Damn, he was so important for me on that matter.

Then, two days later on the evening before my exam, my best friend told me that they had a date and kissed. I'm still so proud of her for telling me that. That made me having even more confidence in her.

Well, I don't have confidence in him anymore, obviously. I was shocked at how he kept us both (mexbest friend) close, that he played around with me, that

I was mad, angry and disappointed. I sent him to hell and didn't want to talk about or speak with him for a long time. I didn't want him to make contact because I hated him, on the other hand I wanted him to make contact because I wanted to tell him how stupid he was. It worked well, I passed my exam and winced whenever his name fell.
(I realised that there was this possibility - that he treats every girl the way he treated me, since I never saw him being alone with a girl or with a few female friends. Only with a larger group of friends on his birthday. I also learned that some guys probably simply don't notice how they act around girls and that the girls could interpret too much and too wrongly. Again, I learned a lot with these guys in the past year. Oh hell, that year was really though.)

And today I met him. By accident. We went shopping in a supermarket where he works -- us being me and two male friends from secondary school -- and I knew our meeting point was close to his supermarket and when one of them wanted to buy a drink I realised that it's the time of the shift he always works at and when we were in the supermarket I looked for him and when I spotted him at the counter, he spotted me too and I had to wave at him to say hello because I'm nice and that's what I do when I meet people. The boys went to an other counter so I followed them and when we waited I tried not to look in his direction and when we left we passed him and the two of us greeted each other and he was like "Next time you come to me!" and I laughed and answered that I didn't see him early enough (WHAT RUBBISH HE SAW ME TOO I COULD HAVE JUST SAID THAT THE BOYS WERE FASTER but I didn't, I think I just didn't want to introduce them to each other at that moment). And then I said good-bye and we left.

As if nothing happened. Only as if I wanted to follow my friends and not to prevent him from his work. 

And he looked so good and so dark ... with that dim light at the counter and these dark hairs and dark shirt and shadows and dark glasses and pale skin oh hell. That short, chubby guy.

I don't know. The boys laughed when we left the market and bantered me about him being my boyfriend and I thought how painfully close they could have been and I'm so done. (lol it would have been funny if i had been able to tell the truth and had been like "yeah, that was my boyfriend, he works here". they would be so flabbergasted.)

Well, let's see if he gets in touch. I have to say that I hate him for acting as if he didn't kiss her and as if everything between us still is the same. Because it isn't. At all.

A Year Is Plenty Of Time

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I love him way to much. I long for him so so much and I can't stand it.

It's been a year. One year ago, so many things were different and so many things were similar. The four of us.

This one ... I somehow fell in love, made mistakes I'll never do again and had to turn him down very clearly. "Am Anfang TOP, am Ende FLOP." I hate that guy.
And then the other one. I like how slowly things between me and him develop, it's been a year and I still like him (that's kind of a record), I actually like him even more than before. I am sure about this now. In this moment. In this moment it's just so beautiful.
(And on the same time I'm afraid I imagine too much again.)

My best friend leaves the country for half a year and I'm curious what is going to happen. How things are going to change, if they are going to change, and which ones. Since last year, many things have changed anyway.

I experienced so much in the past year. Twelve months and I've grown in so many parts. Me as a woman, me as a person who loves, me as a student, me as an adult. Yes. I feel like an adult.

Yes. I like my life. I did things and I like it.

(Silent) Admitting

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I'm so so so sad that it ended like that. Again. I never thought I would feel like that, that I would admit it, but I miss you and our talks, the music, the fact that you were always there and now it's gone, again, and I don't know why this keeps happening but hell, didn't we have good moments too? Hell yeah, we had, and I want that back, I want the friendship back, please be a friend to me again

But I ended it and I can't accept that it's my fault again, that I stopped it, that we don't talk anymore, that we don't greet us and act as if nothing happened between us, never, as if we're strangers, and gosh, it's my fault.

Also the fact that you're more often on Facebook again reminds me how we used to speak a lot. The closeness is gone and I hate to admit that I miss it. That I needed it.

Hell, why do my friendships need to end like that. This is so sad.

Stört mich lieber nicht.

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Ich mache mich gerade frei. Frei von Bändern, Seilen, Stahlstangen, die an mir ziehen und rütteln und mich aus der Bahn werfen.

Frei von Druck, Vorderungen und Terror von gestörten Personen - schnipp -, frei von Chaos in meinem Zimmer - schnipp -, frei von Trauer und Erwartungen bezüglich Beerdigungen - schnipp -,
frei von Ängsten über das Studium (naja, so weit wie's halt geht) - schnipp.

Ich mache Ordnung, ich räume auf, ich schaffe Struktur.

Today I've Played Being An Adult

via Fuck Yeah, Awesome Houses!

Beth Kirby via Beautiful Things

I'm very proud of myself for doing this. It was a very adult thing to do, to say no. It's the first time I've ended something like that, in this way, and whatever he will do, I'm very happy about myself for being rational, honest and open.

(Really, it feels as if we're some kids trying to behave like adults and doing stuff which we think adults do all the time, us being totally influenced by the media. It's actually kinda funny what he makes me to do. Stuff I didn't even intend. But you know, in the end I just learn from it, gain experience, get practice - as poor as it sounds - and god, I've learnt so much from that story. I guess everybody has a thing like this once in their life. And well, to be honest, I'm kind of proud that I had it, that my life "started" and things happened.)

(Everytime I hear that somebody send me a Facebook message I'm afraid it's him.)

Completed

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It's been a while. And many things happened and changed.

I'm now going to university. I learnt a lot and met new, mainly wonderful people and I found really good friends in whose I trust, who help me and who like me, too.

University is hard, it is, but we go through this together, support us and laugh together. There are many issues/bad things but overall it feels as if it's the place I always wanted to be.

Also, my life seems to be going to be split -- term and non-term. Stressful days, short nights, a lot of talking and work to do versus sleeping in, meeting old friends, reading books, being free. It's interesting and I look forward to the rest of my study.

When I got problems now, I talk to people, rather than writing it down in a anonymous blog. They help me to calm down, give me hints and suggestions. They built me up again. Much better.

There are so many nice persons out there and the world would be depressing and sad without them.

I guess I changed. I'm sure I did. I'm more confident, accepted me as the person I am, embraced me and my flaws. I don't know, maybe it's the thing called growing up.

I see people my age and some of them are really fixed, done in a way, know exactly what they want to do in their future, fight for it and are so confident. And then I see others who seem to get throwing around by life, aren't decided yet, struggle for an aim and everything, who don't know where they want to go and are slightly annoying for being this kind of undone and then I wonder to which of these groups I belong.

I really hope to the done one.

I'm content, now that the stress is over. Life is interestingly good. :)

The Good Feeling

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I'm a very happy person at the moment. And I'm even more happier that I can say that.

The birthday party of my best friend was a success. I met new friends. They actually are the friends of her brother but we both get along with them very well. I don't like her brother much but that's okay as long as I don't have to deal too much with him. Two of them I declare as very good friends and one or two as good acquaintances.
It is awesome, I found new friends I totally like, who are similar to me, with whom it's fun to be around, who have matching ideas and who show me new things. I'm freer, I go out more often, I have a better relationship to my best friend.
It is strange how fast I came to trust them, how fast and willingly I let them in my life. I also wonder - I'm fascinated how they let me, us in their lives, without prejudice or caution. I guess it simply is like that when you're really good with someone. It feels as if we've spent our whole lives together and known us for a long time.
Overall, there's also another possibility these two boys like me too much and I'm not sure how I'd feel about that. Clearly not as scared as I used to.

Anyway, it feels so good that I've now got three best friends where my long-time best friend kind of left me before. That this happened seamless like a smooth transition. It's so wonderful to know that there are not only two knights in shining armours ready to help me when I'm down. I'm going to stop talking about that now, otherwise I'll glorify that too much.

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But it's cool how happy I am. I'm going to start studying in three weeks, a subject that I didn't even plan to. But it'll work somehow, my study will be a catastrophe but after that I'll have a good life.

I spend the whole summer very well - traveling and resting. It felt so good to relax after five though years at school. At my grandparents I woke up late, took a short cold shower (! - never did that before, simply to please my grandma), read, went swimming, ate, read again, watched TV and slept. One day I even went to the lake in my nightgrowns. And barefoot. That was one of my best mornings.

I now know that I'm not totally wasted. That two months can help me to be okay again, maybe even just one. I now know that I'm still okay, after all the damage school and love did to me. I now know that I still can be happy at some time after all.

Arctic Monkeys - Why'd You Only Call Me When You're High?

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video (song starts at 01:34 and isn't the exact one)

the mirror's image, / it tells me it's home time / but I'm not finished / 'cause you're not by my side
and as I arrived I thought I saw you leaving, / carrying your shoes, / decided that once again I was just dreaming / of bumping into you

now it's three in the morning / and I'm trying to change your mind, / left you multiple missed calls / and to my message you reply / why'd you only call me when you're high? / high / why'd you only call me when you're high?

somewhere darker, / talking the same shite, / I need a partner, / well are you out tonight?

it's harder and harder to get you to listen / more I get through the gears / incapable of making alright decisions / and having bad ideas 

now it's three in the morning / and I'm trying to change your mind, / left you multiple missed calls / and to my message you reply / why'd you only call me when you're high? / (why'd you only call me when you're) high / why'd you only call me when you're high?

and I can't see you here when I'm high / sort of feels like I'm running out of time / I haven't found all I was hoping to find / you said you got to be up in the morning / gonna have an early night / and you starting to bore me, baby, / why'd you only call me when you're high?

why'd you only ever call me when you're high? / why'd you only ever phone me when you're high? / why'd you only ever call me when you're high? / why'd you only ever phone me when you're high? / why'd you only ever call me when you're high? / why'd you only ever phone me when you're high? [x]

And What Now

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I'm a bit wrought up and not in the bad way. It's shaking in me and I flutter.

The thing is that I met a boy, again, on a birthday party of my best friend. And the thing is that he is noticeable interested in me, stands close to me, touches me, etc. It's ... just like it always was. Right the same.

And now the question is what's about me. I do like him, I love to talk to him over Facebook (yes, just like it always is), I let him touch me. But I don't touch him back, I don't lean into him the way he does into me.

I guess I'm not really in love with him. Because this is the thing which is different since the crash with #5, it doesn't feel as usual. I think I'm more in love with the idea of having a boyfriend, with the idea of having someone close, with the idea of cuddling.

I always was afraid of love relationships and now I'm maybe ready. But it really wouldn't be right starting a relationship with him because it wouldn't be complete. It wouldn't be fair.

I want him as a friend, maybe, but I don't want to lose him over that.

A Letter To A Friend

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 Yo man, you're strange. You started talking to me. You invited me for your birthday party.

I wanted to return the favour by inviting you to a Abi party from my school. Well, okay, I got ill and you didn't attend although our common friend attended.

I didn't worry, I still was amazed by the fact that we two are friends again, that it's easy to talk, yes, I loved the fact of having a friend who didn't go to my school. I felt more normal.

Then, you wanted me to date your best friend I met on your birthday and I was interested in. Yes, I was, and I told you that I was but nothing more, I told you that the last spark hasn't flew. And after that we didn't talk again.

Prom came and I invited you and your girlfriend to the after-party. I wanted you to come, to see you again after four months, I wanted to give my mum and grandma the chance to talk to you after more than two years. I still wanted to return the favour.

Well, you didn't come. You didn't talked to me about that again, you didn't talk to me about anything. I told you that I'd be at your school helping my sister with her project and you didn't ask. You didn't even ask me about my grades where I thought that nothing would interest you like that!

I don't get it. And after writing all this done, I really became annoyed. At first I was calm but now I really feel hard done-by. That's not okay, mate.

Overall, I hope you'll have a good summer and go fuck yourself.

Me

Getting Summer

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It's been a long time, again. Things are about to ... blend. Days afer days pass and I can't really tell you what I've done. I guess sleeping in. I guess watching TV and being on tumblr. I guess writing news.
But well, for now this time-passing weeks are over, things happen.

It got warm. Hot. Summer's there.

I helped my sister with a documentary on her project week at school, filming it, cutting it, it renders at the moment. Tomorrow it has to be ready because the very annoying teacher likes to put pressure and cause trouble. After that my mum and I are going to buy a photo camera for me as a present for my graduation.

Man, my sister has some great guys in her class. Well, there's a higher-than-average number of boys so there's more likely that they're cool. I mean, some of them aren't only hot but they also are great persons and know stuff and talk and are cool. I wish I'd be there, but yeah, fate wanted it differently.
(Maybe, if I were in her place, I couldn't even concentrate on the lessons because of the boys - but well, that might explains why she isn't that good at school ...)

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On Saturday, in 6 days (checked that due the gadget on my desktop), I will be in Hamburg on a ship to Norway. Ten wonderful cold days lay before me. Still, I look pretty much forward to that, I always wanted to see the North of Europe and it's about to get suspenseful. I will see the sea every day, as well as mountains and I doubt I'll get rid of this.
I will take lots of photos.

Then, my mum and me will stay in Vienna for three days, a city I don't really have any idea about but my mum often was there and asked me a lot if I'd like to go with her once. I always rejected it in the end but some weeks earlier I thought that this would be one of the summers and that I have to use it right, see the world as best as possible. So I agreed. I'll see Vienna.

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After that I'll be with my grandparents for three weeks and then there'll be my 18th birthday I don't want to think about.

Then there's August.

Then there's September.

Then there's October and I'll study and on Thursday this week I'm going to apply for that.

I wanted to do lots of stuff over summer, mostly writing, but now I also have to do things like clearing out my room and tidy the external hard drive. I haven't done any of this yet and I think they still have to wait a long time. But I feel it, I'm about to be in the mood for writing again.

So yes, I don't do much, I don't even have a boy I think about - for four months now, that's a record. And I don't feel bad about that.

At the moment I'm actually kind of open for everything which shall be and happen. I look forward to university, meeting new people, I look forward to that new life period. I'm excited!

And I'm Feeling Good

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It's been a long time. Actually, it's been a month since the last post. I came back, after all that suspense due my Abitur and I looked at my blog and realised how disgusting the design is. It really can't stay as ugly as that.

I had my reexamination on Wednesday, I know that I've got a 1,6 Abi since Thursday. On Friday, I slept very long. And today was the day I waited for so long.

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Rain. It rained cats and dogs. The sky was white, so white, so bright and it illuminated all my bedclothes. I slept until twelve, stayed in bed for the whole day, and read two books. I listened to the noise of the rain. I only dressed for dinner and after that I went back into my bed and read the last 30 pages. It was awesome.

Formerly, when I was fourteen, fiveteen years old, many weekends were spent like that: Sleeping in, eating breakfast in the bed, read until the afternoon. On weekends like that I read Twilight, Isabel Abedi. And other books I don't remember. They all were from the library, I forgot many of them, unfortunately, but they all gave me enormous hours of joy, fun and suspense. It were these hours, where my whole body was warm and I sweated under my bedclothes but my feet (and sometimes my hands, often my shoulders) were stupidly cold.

I think on days like these I am happy. I think, back then I was a really content girl, no matter what happened at school, I even think one can say that I was free. I read books and was free.

Maybe I'm free now again. When I think about it, it all started last weekend where I was at my grandparents and read that book in two days. And then, on Friday, I went into the library again and brought it back and came home with four new books. I think you can imagine how my next days will be. 

It's just perfect. Everything lays behind me, I don't have any more exams to do, I can finally rest, I am free for a bit again, I can read again. I started to think about some writing again.

I feel so good and I can finally understand what Charlie really means with "I feel infinite". Because I do. I feel like everything is possible, I feel very calm, rested, pleased with everything. I'm so happy that I read again, I can't say it any less often. I'm never ever allowed to forget how good a day of reading in my bed makes me feel.

Here, Have Some Food

I'm hungry. As you'll  may notice.

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I ate these in Lyon and on New Year's Eve and they are very delicious.

The First Free Spring Since A Long Time

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So ... well yes. I'm nearly finished. One more oral exam to go. And then ... then I'll leave school. Yeah, adulthood ...

No, but really, I look forward to autumn. I look forward to meeting new people, I look forward to learning something different, I look forward to being at university and yes, I look forward to moving out someday. My mum still freezes every moment someone mentions something like this and refuses it very loud at once. I don't know, I want to be free, I want to have friends to come over in the evening and meeting someone when I want. Yes, I think I mainly look forward to being free.

Ha, I never actually thought that it would turn out like that. That I turn to one of these early nidifugous birds. But, to stay realistic: Moving out won't happen very soon. Not only because of my mum, more likely because there is no money for that.

So yeah, autumn. That's the word I use for not saying "going to the uni". I don't say "... when I start study", I say "in autumn". I also made a decision - wow, yes, I know, something I didn't even believe in anymore. I've got my subject, I haven't got an university yet. Two are in the run.

I've got way too much free time. I don't know what to actually do. I bake a cake. I watch TV. I wrote some news. I'm on tumblr. Well, these are just some of the things I wanted to do.

I'm not ready to write yet. I don't glamorise my tumblr as I wanted. Well, we'll see. I still got plenty of time and hopefully I will be ready to write after my exams.

This post is so confusing, I think. I don't even know what I write but it felt like I needed to do an update, at least because of the time. Well, I tried to post some things in the past month but I wasn't able to put it into the right words, or didn't manage to remember it. There are plenty "post corpses" in my drafts (nice weather, outer appearances of boys, things I wanted to write about). And I think they will stay there.

I can't make a clear sentence in my head and my hands type bovine. Maybe that's why I'm not ready to write yet. We'll see.

Oh, I nearly forgot: It's spring! One week ago it was pretty bizarre because the only thing which was green was the grass and looking out of the window was strange seeing the still bald trees. But now, the brushes are green, some bloom, and some trees like beeches already have their first leaves. And it's wonderful because the sun shines and it's warm at the same time. On Sunday it's said to be cold again but I think, we're going to make a barbecue tomorrow.

(The background green is really disgusting. Gonna change that asap.)

Super700: Life With Grace

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getting dressed up for the cage / much too pretty for cage fighting / only fighting for the right to whine / dim the lights not to be enlightened

too few kingdoms for too many kings / never doubt self-regulation / too few kings for too many queens / raising lords for a dying nation

I know that you know

live your life with grace / live your life with grace / live your life with grace / live your life with grace

what you do is not what you want / dreams dying in segregation / being dead all days a week / even deader with compensation

I know that you know

live your life with grace / live your life with grace / live your life with grace / live your life with grace / live your life with grace / live your life with grace / space must be the place / to live your life with grace

I know that you know / I know that you know / I know that you know / I know that you do know [x]

The Vaccines: I Always Knew

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down, down in my bones / somewhere I'd never ever known / right at the back of my head / it hit me like a beam of light / hook of the right / and I could have fell to the floor

'cause you talk to me / and it comes off the wall / you talk to me / and it goes over my head / so let's go to bed / before you say something real / let's go to bed before / you say how you feel
'cause it's you / I always, always knew / I oh, I always knew / oh, it's you
I try my best to unwind / nothing on my mind but you / oblivious to all that I'll owe / I'm hanging on
to what I don't know

so let's go to bed / before you say something real / let's go to bed / before you say how you feel

'cause it's you / I always, always knew / I oh, I always knew / oh, it's you / yeah it's you / I always, always knew / I oh, I always knew / oh, it's you

well it's you / I always, always knew / I oh, I always knew / oh, it's you / I knew, oh I always knew / yes I always knew / oh, it's you [x]

Apparat: A Violent Sky

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I’ve seen you on the road / I’ve seen you on the road / the place they called it home

coming down beneath the violent sky / coming down beneath the violent sky / coming down beneath the violent sky / coming down beneath the violent sky

these skies where happy kids / the music going loud / to move here under the cloud of screaming / to move here under the cloud of screaming / to move here under the cloud of screaming [x]

You Talk A Good Game

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It's so cool having the ability to talk with someone about serious life things and having fun. I really appreciate that I can discuss politics, the way of rising children, gentrification and at the same time the ridiculous high of hills in my hometown, teachers and Hipsters. I love to see that he has the same opinion about things (okay, nearly the same). I love to laugh about his jokes.

It's such a great thing to be able to somehow express oneself in that way. I can feel what it's like to be me and what I think and what I want and what I don't want. I can see how I settle.

So, thank you very much.


(Yes, the title is a quote from "You Talk" by Babyshambles. I posted it once.)