And What Now

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I'm a bit wrought up and not in the bad way. It's shaking in me and I flutter.

The thing is that I met a boy, again, on a birthday party of my best friend. And the thing is that he is noticeable interested in me, stands close to me, touches me, etc. It's ... just like it always was. Right the same.

And now the question is what's about me. I do like him, I love to talk to him over Facebook (yes, just like it always is), I let him touch me. But I don't touch him back, I don't lean into him the way he does into me.

I guess I'm not really in love with him. Because this is the thing which is different since the crash with #5, it doesn't feel as usual. I think I'm more in love with the idea of having a boyfriend, with the idea of having someone close, with the idea of cuddling.

I always was afraid of love relationships and now I'm maybe ready. But it really wouldn't be right starting a relationship with him because it wouldn't be complete. It wouldn't be fair.

I want him as a friend, maybe, but I don't want to lose him over that.