And What Now

x

x

x

I'm a bit wrought up and not in the bad way. It's shaking in me and I flutter.

The thing is that I met a boy, again, on a birthday party of my best friend. And the thing is that he is noticeable interested in me, stands close to me, touches me, etc. It's ... just like it always was. Right the same.

And now the question is what's about me. I do like him, I love to talk to him over Facebook (yes, just like it always is), I let him touch me. But I don't touch him back, I don't lean into him the way he does into me.

I guess I'm not really in love with him. Because this is the thing which is different since the crash with #5, it doesn't feel as usual. I think I'm more in love with the idea of having a boyfriend, with the idea of having someone close, with the idea of cuddling.

I always was afraid of love relationships and now I'm maybe ready. But it really wouldn't be right starting a relationship with him because it wouldn't be complete. It wouldn't be fair.

I want him as a friend, maybe, but I don't want to lose him over that.

A Letter To A Friend

x

 Yo man, you're strange. You started talking to me. You invited me for your birthday party.

I wanted to return the favour by inviting you to a Abi party from my school. Well, okay, I got ill and you didn't attend although our common friend attended.

I didn't worry, I still was amazed by the fact that we two are friends again, that it's easy to talk, yes, I loved the fact of having a friend who didn't go to my school. I felt more normal.

Then, you wanted me to date your best friend I met on your birthday and I was interested in. Yes, I was, and I told you that I was but nothing more, I told you that the last spark hasn't flew. And after that we didn't talk again.

Prom came and I invited you and your girlfriend to the after-party. I wanted you to come, to see you again after four months, I wanted to give my mum and grandma the chance to talk to you after more than two years. I still wanted to return the favour.

Well, you didn't come. You didn't talked to me about that again, you didn't talk to me about anything. I told you that I'd be at your school helping my sister with her project and you didn't ask. You didn't even ask me about my grades where I thought that nothing would interest you like that!

I don't get it. And after writing all this done, I really became annoyed. At first I was calm but now I really feel hard done-by. That's not okay, mate.

Overall, I hope you'll have a good summer and go fuck yourself.

Me

Getting Summer

x

It's been a long time, again. Things are about to ... blend. Days afer days pass and I can't really tell you what I've done. I guess sleeping in. I guess watching TV and being on tumblr. I guess writing news.
But well, for now this time-passing weeks are over, things happen.

It got warm. Hot. Summer's there.

I helped my sister with a documentary on her project week at school, filming it, cutting it, it renders at the moment. Tomorrow it has to be ready because the very annoying teacher likes to put pressure and cause trouble. After that my mum and I are going to buy a photo camera for me as a present for my graduation.

Man, my sister has some great guys in her class. Well, there's a higher-than-average number of boys so there's more likely that they're cool. I mean, some of them aren't only hot but they also are great persons and know stuff and talk and are cool. I wish I'd be there, but yeah, fate wanted it differently.
(Maybe, if I were in her place, I couldn't even concentrate on the lessons because of the boys - but well, that might explains why she isn't that good at school ...)

x

x

On Saturday, in 6 days (checked that due the gadget on my desktop), I will be in Hamburg on a ship to Norway. Ten wonderful cold days lay before me. Still, I look pretty much forward to that, I always wanted to see the North of Europe and it's about to get suspenseful. I will see the sea every day, as well as mountains and I doubt I'll get rid of this.
I will take lots of photos.

Then, my mum and me will stay in Vienna for three days, a city I don't really have any idea about but my mum often was there and asked me a lot if I'd like to go with her once. I always rejected it in the end but some weeks earlier I thought that this would be one of the summers and that I have to use it right, see the world as best as possible. So I agreed. I'll see Vienna.

x

After that I'll be with my grandparents for three weeks and then there'll be my 18th birthday I don't want to think about.

Then there's August.

Then there's September.

Then there's October and I'll study and on Thursday this week I'm going to apply for that.

I wanted to do lots of stuff over summer, mostly writing, but now I also have to do things like clearing out my room and tidy the external hard drive. I haven't done any of this yet and I think they still have to wait a long time. But I feel it, I'm about to be in the mood for writing again.

So yes, I don't do much, I don't even have a boy I think about - for four months now, that's a record. And I don't feel bad about that.

At the moment I'm actually kind of open for everything which shall be and happen. I look forward to university, meeting new people, I look forward to that new life period. I'm excited!

And I'm Feeling Good

x

x

It's been a long time. Actually, it's been a month since the last post. I came back, after all that suspense due my Abitur and I looked at my blog and realised how disgusting the design is. It really can't stay as ugly as that.

I had my reexamination on Wednesday, I know that I've got a 1,6 Abi since Thursday. On Friday, I slept very long. And today was the day I waited for so long.

x

Rain. It rained cats and dogs. The sky was white, so white, so bright and it illuminated all my bedclothes. I slept until twelve, stayed in bed for the whole day, and read two books. I listened to the noise of the rain. I only dressed for dinner and after that I went back into my bed and read the last 30 pages. It was awesome.

Formerly, when I was fourteen, fiveteen years old, many weekends were spent like that: Sleeping in, eating breakfast in the bed, read until the afternoon. On weekends like that I read Twilight, Isabel Abedi. And other books I don't remember. They all were from the library, I forgot many of them, unfortunately, but they all gave me enormous hours of joy, fun and suspense. It were these hours, where my whole body was warm and I sweated under my bedclothes but my feet (and sometimes my hands, often my shoulders) were stupidly cold.

I think on days like these I am happy. I think, back then I was a really content girl, no matter what happened at school, I even think one can say that I was free. I read books and was free.

Maybe I'm free now again. When I think about it, it all started last weekend where I was at my grandparents and read that book in two days. And then, on Friday, I went into the library again and brought it back and came home with four new books. I think you can imagine how my next days will be. 

It's just perfect. Everything lays behind me, I don't have any more exams to do, I can finally rest, I am free for a bit again, I can read again. I started to think about some writing again.

I feel so good and I can finally understand what Charlie really means with "I feel infinite". Because I do. I feel like everything is possible, I feel very calm, rested, pleased with everything. I'm so happy that I read again, I can't say it any less often. I'm never ever allowed to forget how good a day of reading in my bed makes me feel.

Here, Have Some Food

I'm hungry. As you'll  may notice.

x

x

x

x

x

x

I ate these in Lyon and on New Year's Eve and they are very delicious.

The First Free Spring Since A Long Time

x

x

So ... well yes. I'm nearly finished. One more oral exam to go. And then ... then I'll leave school. Yeah, adulthood ...

No, but really, I look forward to autumn. I look forward to meeting new people, I look forward to learning something different, I look forward to being at university and yes, I look forward to moving out someday. My mum still freezes every moment someone mentions something like this and refuses it very loud at once. I don't know, I want to be free, I want to have friends to come over in the evening and meeting someone when I want. Yes, I think I mainly look forward to being free.

Ha, I never actually thought that it would turn out like that. That I turn to one of these early nidifugous birds. But, to stay realistic: Moving out won't happen very soon. Not only because of my mum, more likely because there is no money for that.

So yeah, autumn. That's the word I use for not saying "going to the uni". I don't say "... when I start study", I say "in autumn". I also made a decision - wow, yes, I know, something I didn't even believe in anymore. I've got my subject, I haven't got an university yet. Two are in the run.

I've got way too much free time. I don't know what to actually do. I bake a cake. I watch TV. I wrote some news. I'm on tumblr. Well, these are just some of the things I wanted to do.

I'm not ready to write yet. I don't glamorise my tumblr as I wanted. Well, we'll see. I still got plenty of time and hopefully I will be ready to write after my exams.

This post is so confusing, I think. I don't even know what I write but it felt like I needed to do an update, at least because of the time. Well, I tried to post some things in the past month but I wasn't able to put it into the right words, or didn't manage to remember it. There are plenty "post corpses" in my drafts (nice weather, outer appearances of boys, things I wanted to write about). And I think they will stay there.

I can't make a clear sentence in my head and my hands type bovine. Maybe that's why I'm not ready to write yet. We'll see.

Oh, I nearly forgot: It's spring! One week ago it was pretty bizarre because the only thing which was green was the grass and looking out of the window was strange seeing the still bald trees. But now, the brushes are green, some bloom, and some trees like beeches already have their first leaves. And it's wonderful because the sun shines and it's warm at the same time. On Sunday it's said to be cold again but I think, we're going to make a barbecue tomorrow.

(The background green is really disgusting. Gonna change that asap.)

Super700: Life With Grace

x

Listen ↗

getting dressed up for the cage / much too pretty for cage fighting / only fighting for the right to whine / dim the lights not to be enlightened

too few kingdoms for too many kings / never doubt self-regulation / too few kings for too many queens / raising lords for a dying nation

I know that you know

live your life with grace / live your life with grace / live your life with grace / live your life with grace

what you do is not what you want / dreams dying in segregation / being dead all days a week / even deader with compensation

I know that you know

live your life with grace / live your life with grace / live your life with grace / live your life with grace / live your life with grace / live your life with grace / space must be the place / to live your life with grace

I know that you know / I know that you know / I know that you know / I know that you do know [x]

The Vaccines: I Always Knew

x

Listen ↗

down, down in my bones / somewhere I'd never ever known / right at the back of my head / it hit me like a beam of light / hook of the right / and I could have fell to the floor

'cause you talk to me / and it comes off the wall / you talk to me / and it goes over my head / so let's go to bed / before you say something real / let's go to bed before / you say how you feel
'cause it's you / I always, always knew / I oh, I always knew / oh, it's you
I try my best to unwind / nothing on my mind but you / oblivious to all that I'll owe / I'm hanging on
to what I don't know

so let's go to bed / before you say something real / let's go to bed / before you say how you feel

'cause it's you / I always, always knew / I oh, I always knew / oh, it's you / yeah it's you / I always, always knew / I oh, I always knew / oh, it's you

well it's you / I always, always knew / I oh, I always knew / oh, it's you / I knew, oh I always knew / yes I always knew / oh, it's you [x]

Apparat: A Violent Sky

x

Listen  ↗

I’ve seen you on the road / I’ve seen you on the road / the place they called it home

coming down beneath the violent sky / coming down beneath the violent sky / coming down beneath the violent sky / coming down beneath the violent sky

these skies where happy kids / the music going loud / to move here under the cloud of screaming / to move here under the cloud of screaming / to move here under the cloud of screaming [x]

You Talk A Good Game

x

It's so cool having the ability to talk with someone about serious life things and having fun. I really appreciate that I can discuss politics, the way of rising children, gentrification and at the same time the ridiculous high of hills in my hometown, teachers and Hipsters. I love to see that he has the same opinion about things (okay, nearly the same). I love to laugh about his jokes.

It's such a great thing to be able to somehow express oneself in that way. I can feel what it's like to be me and what I think and what I want and what I don't want. I can see how I settle.

So, thank you very much.


(Yes, the title is a quote from "You Talk" by Babyshambles. I posted it once.)